Babies

I have come to a decision. My virginity is not a problem nor is it something to be bestowed on another. Thus what will be will be, making loosing it into a special event will make me nervous, throwing it away I will regret. I trust in myself not to get into either of those positions and to let life flow. Very zen I think, how long it will last is another matter!

I have lately been thinking about another matter. Babies. Not now and not soon but someday I want them. Desperatly. However, as with most things in my life this is going to be complicated or at least has me worrying a bit now. First is whether I will be able to get pregnant, my mother had seven miscarrages in total and due o a drug I was on for three years when I was 10 my chances went down even further. My hormones are also up the creek and I have to be very careful about what I put into my body, so any injections to help are probably ruled out.

Now research surgests that my ME will probably be great during my pregnancy but be worst afterwards. I could be different but. Then there is having the baby, I do not react well to anasetic, nor to long periods of pain. Exhaustion is also different for me and I wonder if I could do something so exhausting for most women when I can't even run 100meters without repercussion.

Then there is the possibility that they themselves could have ME, it isn't a life threatening illness, but I don't want them to have it. So many ifs here and so far in the future but watching some programmes with children in just looks so tiring. Will I be able to pick up my own child? I can't even lift 3 litres of water.

I guess it is too early to start worrying but I just get these wave of thoughts when I look at babies and small children. I am so lucky that I have a chance to have children when so many people don't but right at this moment it is like when I am in pain and try to think that the bright side is that I am not dying. It just doesn't work, sometimes I complain for me and what I am feeling and comparing it to someone else just does not seem fair to my emotions. I am not them and they are not me.

It helps most of the time but at times like these, when things just seem to catch at you, nothing helps and all you can do is wallow for a bit and then get on with your life.