I love being able to say ow, as a result most people think I am an absolute wimp. I make such a fuss about a stubbed toe, a paper cut, a bang on my head or small cut. I enjoy it, I love being able to say ow, to go to mummy and say this hurts, to get a hug. I like getting the sympathy for the small things.
This is not because I am wimp though, these things don't really hurt, not like the pain I have been in. It is because of this that I say ow. When I do get pain, from the Fibromyalgia or ME, it is such a deep, all encompassing pain and you never know when it is going to stop. It is at these times that you can't say ow, I feel uncomfortable getting sympathy over. This pain, is something that nothing can be done about, for a large part of my life it was a fact of life. It is something you live with, that changes you, that you have to adapt to. It can go on, intermittently for years, so saying ow just doesn't cover it.
When you body feels as if it is made of lead that has been set on fire, you have thousands of needles, knives and hammers going at you, when your insides decide to knot themselves, when for the third week in the row you have not slept a night due to your back being in such pain, this surpasses ow. You say ow at short sharp hurts, the deeper more permanent hurt changes you, you might groan, pant, even yell for a small bit, but ultimately you can't say ow, it is too small a word.
When something hurts every single day for months you can't keep asking for continuous sympathy, hugs hurt and it is something you have to bear. All too often the sympathy turns to pity which is soul destroying.
So I rejoice in being able to say ow and even more to be well enough to be able to hug my parents again, for three years it hurt too much. They still helped, I can't count the number of nights they stayed up reading to me through the night to try and distract me when the pain got particularly bad. My parents have fought so many battles for me and at the moment we have won the right for me to complain at some slight hurt.
Saturday 29 May 2010
Kneeling
Ok, OW! How do you do it so it is comfortable???? At the moment I can only last for a few minutes and even that is rather wobbly. I have never liked kneeling, I much prefer being cross-legged, I even prefer that to sitting in some chairs. It is a bit of a problem in a skirt but there are rarely things without a downside. I sit cross-legged anywhere I can, I like it when the bus is crowded as then I can sit cross-legged in the luggage rack, I am then the most comfortable person on the bus. I like sitting in small places and on the floor, especially when others are sitting above me but I have never been able to sit comfortably kneeling.
However I have rarely heard of a submissive sitting cross-legged at her dom's feet, only kneeling. When you hear of play parties or clubs, you hear of how some subs kneel at the feet of their Masters or Doms, or stand behind them, even when they are sitting. Well, I can't stand either! Well, I can, but not for very long, too long and I get a backache, old granny that I am, my hips also start to give way. So what am I going to do??!!!
I can practice kneeling but I very much doubt that I will get that much better at it, the standing thing will get better but I will never be able to for that long, my left leg is about an inch and a half shorter than my right and although this doesn't effect me normally, when I am tired it draws up even further and throws my whole body out trying to compensate. I have to be really carful with my left leg and hip, and try to exercise and stretch it every day otherwise it really hurts if I use it.
I guess there will be a way around it when the time comes but I gave myself a bit of a laugh in the mean time imagining mayself trying to kneel for my dom, and being so wobbly that I have to lunge for his leg. This was not so amusing, when I remembered my conformation, I had been mostly ill leading up to it and had none of the lessons, I literaly just turned up and was told to follow whatever the guy in front did. Horrifingly, he knelt down before the bishop, when I tried it took me two gos, smothered giggles from behind me and I nearly fell over trying to get back up again.
I am not gracful, in any sense of the word, I was renowned at school for being able to trip over thin air, and I do. When I am tired I can't walk through a closed or partially open door without walking into it, and I have numerously walked into lamposts, coloums, people, trees and posts. It is a good ice-breaker, but I do manage to get myself hurt more often than not, though it does mean I have learnt to laugh at myself and to laugh first.
i don't really know where this post is going, I would like to be more graceful, to be able to stand properly, to be able to kneel without wobbling and for it not to be painful. I would like to be able to elegantly walk down stairs, to sail through doors and not have lamposts leap out at me. But that is unlikely to happen completly, it does get better the more I do, but if I do have a dom, he is going to have to be one hell of an understanding one and willing to laugh with me, at me.
However I have rarely heard of a submissive sitting cross-legged at her dom's feet, only kneeling. When you hear of play parties or clubs, you hear of how some subs kneel at the feet of their Masters or Doms, or stand behind them, even when they are sitting. Well, I can't stand either! Well, I can, but not for very long, too long and I get a backache, old granny that I am, my hips also start to give way. So what am I going to do??!!!
I can practice kneeling but I very much doubt that I will get that much better at it, the standing thing will get better but I will never be able to for that long, my left leg is about an inch and a half shorter than my right and although this doesn't effect me normally, when I am tired it draws up even further and throws my whole body out trying to compensate. I have to be really carful with my left leg and hip, and try to exercise and stretch it every day otherwise it really hurts if I use it.
I guess there will be a way around it when the time comes but I gave myself a bit of a laugh in the mean time imagining mayself trying to kneel for my dom, and being so wobbly that I have to lunge for his leg. This was not so amusing, when I remembered my conformation, I had been mostly ill leading up to it and had none of the lessons, I literaly just turned up and was told to follow whatever the guy in front did. Horrifingly, he knelt down before the bishop, when I tried it took me two gos, smothered giggles from behind me and I nearly fell over trying to get back up again.
I am not gracful, in any sense of the word, I was renowned at school for being able to trip over thin air, and I do. When I am tired I can't walk through a closed or partially open door without walking into it, and I have numerously walked into lamposts, coloums, people, trees and posts. It is a good ice-breaker, but I do manage to get myself hurt more often than not, though it does mean I have learnt to laugh at myself and to laugh first.
i don't really know where this post is going, I would like to be more graceful, to be able to stand properly, to be able to kneel without wobbling and for it not to be painful. I would like to be able to elegantly walk down stairs, to sail through doors and not have lamposts leap out at me. But that is unlikely to happen completly, it does get better the more I do, but if I do have a dom, he is going to have to be one hell of an understanding one and willing to laugh with me, at me.
Monday 24 May 2010
Moments
Sometimes, moments in life are just so good! Today was one of them, hot weather, a promising start on a tan and two lengths underwater achieved. A walk and 10 proper lengths of the pool increased my excercise yet again and I do not feel that tired. Compared to four days ago, when the day was spent in bed, life is amazing. I feel happy, confident and alive. I love feeling happy, it is one of the best feelings. Playing with my dog today, just rolling around and having fun, just relaxing, enjoying life. It is the simple pleasures that makes life so worth it!
God bless you all, for today he blessed me! (If your not religious then let life bless you!)
God bless you all, for today he blessed me! (If your not religious then let life bless you!)
Sunday 23 May 2010
Photography
I have so many erotic photography ideas floating around in my head. I went to see a contemporary dance performance before christmas and the play of light over disturbingly positioned bodies just made me want to whip my camera out. I would love to have a play around with a model or two and just see if I could recreate some of these ideas. Yes, some of them I just want to recreate the pictures I have seen, but others I dream about, this is fustrating as other pieces of art work that I have dreamed about I have been able to create, they didn't envolve having to get someone else in.
Photography though is more difficult, the pictures I can't set up just sit there in my brain niggling at me. I have this one, which is of a pair of feet, they are walking over broken coloured glass - green like a beer bottle, one is mostly flat and the other is just being lifted up, from that sole is a piece of glass sticking out and a drop of blood rolling down towards the sole, down the delcate arch of the foot. On the other ankle you can see a bruised abrasion like it has been cuffed. This image has been in my brain for four years and my bank of images has only been growing. The image I described is rather disturbing and not erotic but goes with a poem I wrote about the same time.
The female body is just so beautiful, the lines and curves, the soft skin and yet sometimes hard angles of bones. The arch of a spine, the careless placement of a flung arm, the tension in the neck as arms are drawn together up the back, the dip of the head while kneeling, and the glint of sliver around a neck, wrist, ankle or waist. So many options, probably done before and yet I yearn to try. One day I will, maybe I will start with my feet, I will sort through my dreams tonight and see what I can come up with.
Photography though is more difficult, the pictures I can't set up just sit there in my brain niggling at me. I have this one, which is of a pair of feet, they are walking over broken coloured glass - green like a beer bottle, one is mostly flat and the other is just being lifted up, from that sole is a piece of glass sticking out and a drop of blood rolling down towards the sole, down the delcate arch of the foot. On the other ankle you can see a bruised abrasion like it has been cuffed. This image has been in my brain for four years and my bank of images has only been growing. The image I described is rather disturbing and not erotic but goes with a poem I wrote about the same time.
The female body is just so beautiful, the lines and curves, the soft skin and yet sometimes hard angles of bones. The arch of a spine, the careless placement of a flung arm, the tension in the neck as arms are drawn together up the back, the dip of the head while kneeling, and the glint of sliver around a neck, wrist, ankle or waist. So many options, probably done before and yet I yearn to try. One day I will, maybe I will start with my feet, I will sort through my dreams tonight and see what I can come up with.
Saturday 22 May 2010
Knees, life and tanning
I have done something stupid, I am sitting here with knees that are screaming at me. Today was so nice that all I have done is sunbath and be in the pool. But when I was in the pool I started imagining and my mind wondered, I pretended I had found my dom and that he wanted me to kneel, so I practised kneeling and getting up gracefully in the pool. I can't do it out of the pool so thought the water would help, then as I was day dreaming I wondered about the shallowend on my knees. Result is that my knees are red raw and objecting loudly to the aloe vera jelly I have liberally applied. Is my body wet or what??! I shudder to thing what they would be like if I had done it on the ground/floor, at least it was lino and water. Maybe I should build it up to stop them being so pathetic!
This week has been so up and down, been in bed for a couple of days and the rest I have been feeling really quite well but with no inclination to do anything at all. Added to that is a diet change, this includes having to eat 7-8 servings of vegatables a day which results in a lot of chopping having to be done! Very boring but will hopefully help my adrenal glands which are apparently not very good. What I would like to know is the name of one of my body parts that does its job properly and feel well!
I am not complaining as I feel quite well at the moment and I am loving the weather and being able to swim again and just laze around in the pool. So relaxing, only thing though is Mummy is doing this new diet too and she has been taken off caffine and sugar, that makes for a person to stay well clear of! I shouldn't laugh or complain as I did the same when I was taken of sugar years ago but a grumpy mummy can reck more havoc than a grumpy pre-teen.
Feeling so relaxed about life at the moment, not in a hurry to make any descisions about where I am going, the only problem is that I am much better when at home, but in order to actually have a social life and maybe explore meeting other doms and subs, I need to live away from home. Trying to think of how I can have a balance but failing.
Trying very hard to get a tan without burning, but have already had a mishap as used some body lotion yesterday and completly didn't see it was a gradual fake tan one I had bought about a year ago. I now have rather funny elbows and patchwork wrists!
This week has been so up and down, been in bed for a couple of days and the rest I have been feeling really quite well but with no inclination to do anything at all. Added to that is a diet change, this includes having to eat 7-8 servings of vegatables a day which results in a lot of chopping having to be done! Very boring but will hopefully help my adrenal glands which are apparently not very good. What I would like to know is the name of one of my body parts that does its job properly and feel well!
I am not complaining as I feel quite well at the moment and I am loving the weather and being able to swim again and just laze around in the pool. So relaxing, only thing though is Mummy is doing this new diet too and she has been taken off caffine and sugar, that makes for a person to stay well clear of! I shouldn't laugh or complain as I did the same when I was taken of sugar years ago but a grumpy mummy can reck more havoc than a grumpy pre-teen.
Feeling so relaxed about life at the moment, not in a hurry to make any descisions about where I am going, the only problem is that I am much better when at home, but in order to actually have a social life and maybe explore meeting other doms and subs, I need to live away from home. Trying to think of how I can have a balance but failing.
Trying very hard to get a tan without burning, but have already had a mishap as used some body lotion yesterday and completly didn't see it was a gradual fake tan one I had bought about a year ago. I now have rather funny elbows and patchwork wrists!
Saturday 15 May 2010
Illness, growing and birthdays!
This week has got worse and worse, my fibromyalgia has been playing up and even my toes hurt! No baths either as plumbing a bit dodgy. I have spent a lot of time reading though, I found some websites about general bdsm, 101 type things as well as reading more topics on fetlife.
Well it seems I am more open to things than I originaly thought, some things I have previously thought no way, I am thinking I would like to try once. I like to try things, sometimes I am a wimp but when confronted with something difficult I hate the feelings after if I haven't tried something more than if I fail at it.
I think this is a good thing, as once I start I need somewhere to go, to grow, if I have only a certain amount of things I am willing to do then it is rather like putting a box around myself. I would like to have concentric circles, green on the inside - things I like and are willing to do, yellow next - thing I am willing to try but am not sure about, orange next - things I am doubtful about but with the right person might be willing to try once, and then red - things I will not do.
Reading around this seems to be the right thing to do.
My birthday is coming up soon and I am hoping that I feel well enough that I can meet up with some friends. Very wierd to thing I am entering my last year as a teenager, next time I have a birthday I will be 20, that always seemed so old when I was younger, mind you so did 18!
Have had three offers so far for mentorship but have declined all of them, something niggled, or looking at their profiles and posts I just didn't think we clicked. Trying to be very sensible and think I have been so far. It has been especially great to find out there is a group about Fibromyalgia and kink, several in fact and one about ME. Talk about having everything! It has been reasurring to see how people manage to have an active lifestyle while still suffering with various illnesses.
I am feeling more positive about finding someone who I like and is comfortable taking on someone with quite a few difficulties. I am not looking but not feeling, who would want me anymore.
Well it seems I am more open to things than I originaly thought, some things I have previously thought no way, I am thinking I would like to try once. I like to try things, sometimes I am a wimp but when confronted with something difficult I hate the feelings after if I haven't tried something more than if I fail at it.
I think this is a good thing, as once I start I need somewhere to go, to grow, if I have only a certain amount of things I am willing to do then it is rather like putting a box around myself. I would like to have concentric circles, green on the inside - things I like and are willing to do, yellow next - thing I am willing to try but am not sure about, orange next - things I am doubtful about but with the right person might be willing to try once, and then red - things I will not do.
Reading around this seems to be the right thing to do.
My birthday is coming up soon and I am hoping that I feel well enough that I can meet up with some friends. Very wierd to thing I am entering my last year as a teenager, next time I have a birthday I will be 20, that always seemed so old when I was younger, mind you so did 18!
Have had three offers so far for mentorship but have declined all of them, something niggled, or looking at their profiles and posts I just didn't think we clicked. Trying to be very sensible and think I have been so far. It has been especially great to find out there is a group about Fibromyalgia and kink, several in fact and one about ME. Talk about having everything! It has been reasurring to see how people manage to have an active lifestyle while still suffering with various illnesses.
I am feeling more positive about finding someone who I like and is comfortable taking on someone with quite a few difficulties. I am not looking but not feeling, who would want me anymore.
Tuesday 11 May 2010
Experiences
Just want to say thank you to Florida Dom, the website kimdebron.tripod.com that he recommended is packed with information, and I really enjoyed reading it. It was interesting to read about her collar ceremony, living 24/7, the role of a mentor and general etiquette. All the articles were a fascinating insight so thank you!
Fetlife is full of posts, but it is hard to sieve through them, a lot say the same thing while others are just so varied.
One point that I have recently come across is that in England BDSM seems to be effectivly illegal. Despite giving my consent, a dom can be prosecuted for 'abusing me' and I, by consenting could even be an accomplase? Not quite sure if this is completly right but it is certainly interesting.
It has been great to read about other peoples experiences, mainly with discovering or realising that they are submissive, so many things ring a bell it is reasurring. Sometimes I think maybe I am overstating my case, the difference between reading and fantasizing about something and it actually happening are huge. While I might think I might like something, I well may not. But to hear common 'flags' is comforting, there are other people basing their judgement of themselves within this lifestyle on the same things.
People have been really friendly and helpful so far, it has been really great.
Fetlife is full of posts, but it is hard to sieve through them, a lot say the same thing while others are just so varied.
One point that I have recently come across is that in England BDSM seems to be effectivly illegal. Despite giving my consent, a dom can be prosecuted for 'abusing me' and I, by consenting could even be an accomplase? Not quite sure if this is completly right but it is certainly interesting.
It has been great to read about other peoples experiences, mainly with discovering or realising that they are submissive, so many things ring a bell it is reasurring. Sometimes I think maybe I am overstating my case, the difference between reading and fantasizing about something and it actually happening are huge. While I might think I might like something, I well may not. But to hear common 'flags' is comforting, there are other people basing their judgement of themselves within this lifestyle on the same things.
People have been really friendly and helpful so far, it has been really great.
Sunday 9 May 2010
Big D
Just a quick post. While spell checking my previous post it highlighted that I had written Dom with a small 'd', it seems even in spell check they demand a capital!
Knowledge and realities
At last finally feeling a bit better, things should be on the up. I am going to be doing a lot of reading tonight, I found a list of things for a beginner to read on the blog A Submissive's Musings and after I have written this I am off to read my way thorugh all of them. I don't believe you can ever have too much knowledge, if I want to do something or go somewhere I am one of those people who will read about it insesintly both beforehand and during.
I love reading, it is such an escape, when I am feeling grotty and lying in the same bed, in the the same room for yet another week, I can open a book and disappear into another reality. Unfortunatly I am a quick reader, when my mind is alright but my body isn't I can get through 4/5 books a day. I admit they aren't all classics and quite a few are trashy but it still presents a problem. I run out of books. It is ok when I am up and about as I can go to the library. When I am not though it tends to get trickier.
I have recently been classed as disabled on my library card, this means no late fines and no reservation charges. It is a mixed godsend. I hate being labled as disabled as I don't believe I am, but the amount of money that can run up is astronomical, luckily I have a friend in the library who has always let me off before but now it is official.
It was however an almost crushing blow, sinc I was 9 people have been telling me i will grow out of it, it will go, it will only last a couple of years, etc. yet here I am 10 years later being classed as disabled. Sometime I think that there is no point in thinking about being a sub, when I don't even know where my life is going in the next 6 months. It looks ever more likely that I am going to be at home for at least another year, not like I hoped until September.
There was this guy that I met before Christmas and I really liked him, we met a few time at group events and then one day he texted me, drunk, asking if I would be his girlfriend. I said no, as I have only met you 3 times but I would like to get to know you better. He took me to see a meauseam and out to lunch - my first date!, since then though I have been ill, I have spoken to him a couple of time and seen him once.
I am upset as I had a chance to get to know a guy, to maybe have a boyfriend for the first time. Yet another thing stolen from me by this ME. It is sometimes such a struggle to yearn for normal things in life let alone out of the odinary stuff. It is hard to see the bright side, to keep positive, to believe that my time is coming, that hopefully my biggest worry is being a submissive and finding a dom. Until that day I have to find some way to combine the two, the lifestyle worries are my little normal reality worries, that I can relish. The ME stuff, I will just have to keep plugging through.
Life has to be on the up, that is my way - onwards and upwards.
I love reading, it is such an escape, when I am feeling grotty and lying in the same bed, in the the same room for yet another week, I can open a book and disappear into another reality. Unfortunatly I am a quick reader, when my mind is alright but my body isn't I can get through 4/5 books a day. I admit they aren't all classics and quite a few are trashy but it still presents a problem. I run out of books. It is ok when I am up and about as I can go to the library. When I am not though it tends to get trickier.
I have recently been classed as disabled on my library card, this means no late fines and no reservation charges. It is a mixed godsend. I hate being labled as disabled as I don't believe I am, but the amount of money that can run up is astronomical, luckily I have a friend in the library who has always let me off before but now it is official.
It was however an almost crushing blow, sinc I was 9 people have been telling me i will grow out of it, it will go, it will only last a couple of years, etc. yet here I am 10 years later being classed as disabled. Sometime I think that there is no point in thinking about being a sub, when I don't even know where my life is going in the next 6 months. It looks ever more likely that I am going to be at home for at least another year, not like I hoped until September.
There was this guy that I met before Christmas and I really liked him, we met a few time at group events and then one day he texted me, drunk, asking if I would be his girlfriend. I said no, as I have only met you 3 times but I would like to get to know you better. He took me to see a meauseam and out to lunch - my first date!, since then though I have been ill, I have spoken to him a couple of time and seen him once.
I am upset as I had a chance to get to know a guy, to maybe have a boyfriend for the first time. Yet another thing stolen from me by this ME. It is sometimes such a struggle to yearn for normal things in life let alone out of the odinary stuff. It is hard to see the bright side, to keep positive, to believe that my time is coming, that hopefully my biggest worry is being a submissive and finding a dom. Until that day I have to find some way to combine the two, the lifestyle worries are my little normal reality worries, that I can relish. The ME stuff, I will just have to keep plugging through.
Life has to be on the up, that is my way - onwards and upwards.
Friday 7 May 2010
Questions and humour
Previous post asked for suggestion about chatrooms, well I did not know that a website I belonged to already had a chatroom and I have joined Fetlife. At the moment that is all I have done as I did it late last night and didn't have time to explore much. Today I have been in bed as my ME is kicking up again so have only just got onto my computer.
Well I did explore one post and could not stop giggling, I think this was laugh out loud funny so I had to stop reading in case my parents had come in!
Things You Will Never Hear A Sub Say To Their Master/Mistress
How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to put your leather pants in the washer?
Yeah, right... SPANK THIS!
Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right?
God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you!
And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle?
Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps?
Spanking? I-THINK-NOT!
Who died and left you in charge?
You missed a spot!
Do your own damn laundry!
What do I look like, your maid?
In the middle of an intense flogging, close your eyes and snore.
When ordered to "Look me in the eyes!" do it cross-eyed.
During a public verbal humiliation scene, stick your fingers in your ears and say "Nanah, nanah, I can't hear you!"
Decorate your top's leathers with neon polka dots and stripes.
Put a whoopie cushion in your top's chair.
Use the toy bag for dirty laundry and forget to switch the contents before the next play party.
Stick an Alka-Seltzer in your mouth at the start of a scene. Work up a good foam, and call out your safe word.
Sing or text while being cropped.
Tell your top you can't count because your hands are tied up and you can't see your fingers.
Get a wig that matches your regular hair perfectly and watch your top's face when it comes off in his/her hand.
Take messages for your top by writing them on post-its and sticking them on your rear.
Give your top pointers on how to do it better.
Send your top an invoice for your services.
Superglue the nipple clamps shut.
Starch the floggers.
Attach "clappers" to all the lights in the dungeon just before a paddling.
Or, just use any of these phrases: "Who died and left you in charge?" "In your dreams!" "Yeah, right."
More Sub Humor
Humor for those who have spent a little time in the dungeons of D/s :)
A sub's Blackboard Lessons
I will not carve my name on the flogger handles.
I will not spank others without Master's permission.
I will not aim for Master's head. (the upper one)
I will not yell the Safeword in the grocery store.
I will not sell the names of my newsgroup list to National Enquirer.
I will not read and giggle at Master's logs from the Dom Forum.
I will not yell fire every time Master lights a candle.
Funny noises are not really funny, and I will not laugh when Master farts during a scene.
I will not slap Master with my bra.
Punishment is not boring or pointless.
I will not call Master "Dr. Death".
I will not put laxatives in the candy bowl before Master's D/s party.
I will not hide the newbies or send them Snipe Dom hunting.
I will not bring sheep to the subbie forum.
A burp is not an appropriate response to Master.
I will not eat all Master's M & M's while he is at work.
I will not yell "She's tied up!" at the subbie forum.
Master's Gags are not to be used to keep the children quiet nor to be used as pot holders.
I will not call Master "spud head", "butt head" or any kind of "head".
Masters ARE perfect. (sorta)
Mud is not an acceptable side dish for dinner for Master.
I will NOT wear panties.
I will not peek out of the blindfold. (much)
There is no such thing as "sub immunity".
I will not sneak in the bathroom when I don't have permission.
I did not win an Emmy for my last session.
I will not hide all Master's toys.
All play and no work does not a good sub make.
I will not say "Oh, Master you're the bestest and biggest" just to get a spanking.
I will not scare the newbies by telling them ALL REAL subs like bullwhips.
I will refrain from saying "Heil Hitler!" when I don't like Master's orders.
I will not remind Master daily of our 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 yr. anniversary.
I will not use Master's bondage table for a skateboard ramp or a slide into the pool.
I will not wear Master's underwear on my head !!
I will not tell Master his feet stink when he commands me to BOOTS! (even tho they do!)
I will not use the pages from Master's Dom Handbook to start the grill.
I will not giggle uncontrollably when the cat decides to "help" Master.
Nor will I remind him that he is Sub for the Cat.
I will ATTEMPT not to laugh when the son remarks that he heard "slapping" noises and got up to see where they were coming from.
I will faithfully remember that washing Masters shorts with my red sweatshirt is not a good thing to do.
I will try to remember that Masters are allowed to snore. (and subs are allowed earplugs?)
I will not cut and paste my Master's IMs to the chat room
"All the other Dom's let their subs do it" is not a valid reason (even tho they had fun doing it)
I will not giggle when my Master is lecturing me.
I will not get my subbie friends into trouble, as they are capable of doing that on their own. (well.... taboo!)
I will not refer to my Master as "Cute", when he is angry (even tho he is)
I will not flash my Master when he is playing Jenga
Patience is not something found in hospitals.
"Ow, that hurt" is not my safeword.
I will not suggest that we paint the ceiling beige when I am bound on my back.
While doing a scene, I will not bring it to Mistress's attention that; Her mustache needs shaving again.
I will NOT sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play.
In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.
When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
Ok so I would not have the courage to do most of these! But can you imagine faces if you did?! Comment in brakets are not me!
My only problem now is it is all very well to say i would like to get to know some people and find out more about the lifestyle but I don't know what I need to know. I am not saying I know it all because I don't, it is just that I don't think I know enough to ask the questions let alone know the answers. So what do I need to know and find out? What questions? However I think fetlife is going to be really useful, there looks to be lots of useful posts that I can read.
Well I did explore one post and could not stop giggling, I think this was laugh out loud funny so I had to stop reading in case my parents had come in!
Things You Will Never Hear A Sub Say To Their Master/Mistress
How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to put your leather pants in the washer?
Yeah, right... SPANK THIS!
Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right?
God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you!
And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle?
Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps?
Spanking? I-THINK-NOT!
Who died and left you in charge?
You missed a spot!
Do your own damn laundry!
What do I look like, your maid?
In the middle of an intense flogging, close your eyes and snore.
When ordered to "Look me in the eyes!" do it cross-eyed.
During a public verbal humiliation scene, stick your fingers in your ears and say "Nanah, nanah, I can't hear you!"
Decorate your top's leathers with neon polka dots and stripes.
Put a whoopie cushion in your top's chair.
Use the toy bag for dirty laundry and forget to switch the contents before the next play party.
Stick an Alka-Seltzer in your mouth at the start of a scene. Work up a good foam, and call out your safe word.
Sing or text while being cropped.
Tell your top you can't count because your hands are tied up and you can't see your fingers.
Get a wig that matches your regular hair perfectly and watch your top's face when it comes off in his/her hand.
Take messages for your top by writing them on post-its and sticking them on your rear.
Give your top pointers on how to do it better.
Send your top an invoice for your services.
Superglue the nipple clamps shut.
Starch the floggers.
Attach "clappers" to all the lights in the dungeon just before a paddling.
Or, just use any of these phrases: "Who died and left you in charge?" "In your dreams!" "Yeah, right."
More Sub Humor
Humor for those who have spent a little time in the dungeons of D/s :)
A sub's Blackboard Lessons
I will not carve my name on the flogger handles.
I will not spank others without Master's permission.
I will not aim for Master's head. (the upper one)
I will not yell the Safeword in the grocery store.
I will not sell the names of my newsgroup list to National Enquirer.
I will not read and giggle at Master's logs from the Dom Forum.
I will not yell fire every time Master lights a candle.
Funny noises are not really funny, and I will not laugh when Master farts during a scene.
I will not slap Master with my bra.
Punishment is not boring or pointless.
I will not call Master "Dr. Death".
I will not put laxatives in the candy bowl before Master's D/s party.
I will not hide the newbies or send them Snipe Dom hunting.
I will not bring sheep to the subbie forum.
A burp is not an appropriate response to Master.
I will not eat all Master's M & M's while he is at work.
I will not yell "She's tied up!" at the subbie forum.
Master's Gags are not to be used to keep the children quiet nor to be used as pot holders.
I will not call Master "spud head", "butt head" or any kind of "head".
Masters ARE perfect. (sorta)
Mud is not an acceptable side dish for dinner for Master.
I will NOT wear panties.
I will not peek out of the blindfold. (much)
There is no such thing as "sub immunity".
I will not sneak in the bathroom when I don't have permission.
I did not win an Emmy for my last session.
I will not hide all Master's toys.
All play and no work does not a good sub make.
I will not say "Oh, Master you're the bestest and biggest" just to get a spanking.
I will not scare the newbies by telling them ALL REAL subs like bullwhips.
I will refrain from saying "Heil Hitler!" when I don't like Master's orders.
I will not remind Master daily of our 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 yr. anniversary.
I will not use Master's bondage table for a skateboard ramp or a slide into the pool.
I will not wear Master's underwear on my head !!
I will not tell Master his feet stink when he commands me to BOOTS! (even tho they do!)
I will not use the pages from Master's Dom Handbook to start the grill.
I will not giggle uncontrollably when the cat decides to "help" Master.
Nor will I remind him that he is Sub for the Cat.
I will ATTEMPT not to laugh when the son remarks that he heard "slapping" noises and got up to see where they were coming from.
I will faithfully remember that washing Masters shorts with my red sweatshirt is not a good thing to do.
I will try to remember that Masters are allowed to snore. (and subs are allowed earplugs?)
I will not cut and paste my Master's IMs to the chat room
"All the other Dom's let their subs do it" is not a valid reason (even tho they had fun doing it)
I will not giggle when my Master is lecturing me.
I will not get my subbie friends into trouble, as they are capable of doing that on their own. (well.... taboo!)
I will not refer to my Master as "Cute", when he is angry (even tho he is)
I will not flash my Master when he is playing Jenga
Patience is not something found in hospitals.
"Ow, that hurt" is not my safeword.
I will not suggest that we paint the ceiling beige when I am bound on my back.
While doing a scene, I will not bring it to Mistress's attention that; Her mustache needs shaving again.
I will NOT sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play.
In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.
When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
Ok so I would not have the courage to do most of these! But can you imagine faces if you did?! Comment in brakets are not me!
My only problem now is it is all very well to say i would like to get to know some people and find out more about the lifestyle but I don't know what I need to know. I am not saying I know it all because I don't, it is just that I don't think I know enough to ask the questions let alone know the answers. So what do I need to know and find out? What questions? However I think fetlife is going to be really useful, there looks to be lots of useful posts that I can read.
Thursday 6 May 2010
Chat rooms, Openness and Confidence
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Wednesday 5 May 2010
Babies
I have come to a decision. My virginity is not a problem nor is it something to be bestowed on another. Thus what will be will be, making loosing it into a special event will make me nervous, throwing it away I will regret. I trust in myself not to get into either of those positions and to let life flow. Very zen I think, how long it will last is another matter!
I have lately been thinking about another matter. Babies. Not now and not soon but someday I want them. Desperatly. However, as with most things in my life this is going to be complicated or at least has me worrying a bit now. First is whether I will be able to get pregnant, my mother had seven miscarrages in total and due o a drug I was on for three years when I was 10 my chances went down even further. My hormones are also up the creek and I have to be very careful about what I put into my body, so any injections to help are probably ruled out.
Now research surgests that my ME will probably be great during my pregnancy but be worst afterwards. I could be different but. Then there is having the baby, I do not react well to anasetic, nor to long periods of pain. Exhaustion is also different for me and I wonder if I could do something so exhausting for most women when I can't even run 100meters without repercussion.
Then there is the possibility that they themselves could have ME, it isn't a life threatening illness, but I don't want them to have it. So many ifs here and so far in the future but watching some programmes with children in just looks so tiring. Will I be able to pick up my own child? I can't even lift 3 litres of water.
I guess it is too early to start worrying but I just get these wave of thoughts when I look at babies and small children. I am so lucky that I have a chance to have children when so many people don't but right at this moment it is like when I am in pain and try to think that the bright side is that I am not dying. It just doesn't work, sometimes I complain for me and what I am feeling and comparing it to someone else just does not seem fair to my emotions. I am not them and they are not me.
It helps most of the time but at times like these, when things just seem to catch at you, nothing helps and all you can do is wallow for a bit and then get on with your life.
I have lately been thinking about another matter. Babies. Not now and not soon but someday I want them. Desperatly. However, as with most things in my life this is going to be complicated or at least has me worrying a bit now. First is whether I will be able to get pregnant, my mother had seven miscarrages in total and due o a drug I was on for three years when I was 10 my chances went down even further. My hormones are also up the creek and I have to be very careful about what I put into my body, so any injections to help are probably ruled out.
Now research surgests that my ME will probably be great during my pregnancy but be worst afterwards. I could be different but. Then there is having the baby, I do not react well to anasetic, nor to long periods of pain. Exhaustion is also different for me and I wonder if I could do something so exhausting for most women when I can't even run 100meters without repercussion.
Then there is the possibility that they themselves could have ME, it isn't a life threatening illness, but I don't want them to have it. So many ifs here and so far in the future but watching some programmes with children in just looks so tiring. Will I be able to pick up my own child? I can't even lift 3 litres of water.
I guess it is too early to start worrying but I just get these wave of thoughts when I look at babies and small children. I am so lucky that I have a chance to have children when so many people don't but right at this moment it is like when I am in pain and try to think that the bright side is that I am not dying. It just doesn't work, sometimes I complain for me and what I am feeling and comparing it to someone else just does not seem fair to my emotions. I am not them and they are not me.
It helps most of the time but at times like these, when things just seem to catch at you, nothing helps and all you can do is wallow for a bit and then get on with your life.
Tuesday 4 May 2010
A blend
Is it too much to ask to have a blend, I love chocolate but could not go forever without vanilla. My favourite ice-cream is choc-chip cookie dough, vanilla ice-cream with exciting bits. I want to be a sub but that does not mean I am only interested in sex and submitting. I am a girl, I want to get to know the guy, go see a film with him, have him take me out, go to a museum together, go for a walk together. Not hello, nice to meet you, do you want me to slam my cock into you ass while you masturbate.
That is all very well, but I am still a virgin, hello? A little subtlety would be appreciated here. I don't think I have ever masturbated properly so that approach is just going to get me bright red, stammering, thinking help get me out of here. The first time I want to know the guy, like any other person would expect. A one night stand might sound fun but I am not a girl who sleeps with someone on the first date, I don't even know if I am the type to kiss on a first date.
And that is the trouble with me, I am hopelessly old fashioned in this regard, which sometimes come at a total opposite to other wants. I am a Gemini (not that I really believe in stars but it is a handy excuse) I seem to have two personalities that conflict with each other, I believe I can make them align but it is difficult.
Most vanilla people don't have as many scruples as I do, and I have not come across a non sexually experienced person into BDSM yet so I can't know about them. In this day and age virginity does not seem something that people are proud of generally, it doesn't even seem to matter. I am not waiting until I get married and I am not particularly attached to it but the longer I am one the more confused I get.
I want to have sex, don't get me wrong but at the same time I like being a virgin. I don't know why, it does not do anything for me, nobody walking past me on the streets knows but yet I do. I feel I am still so young, that something will change. I have in many regards been slow to grow up, in others I had to grow up very quickly. My room is still covered in posters and cut out pictures, complete with horses and Winnie the pooh (I know just a bit embarrasing talking about it but i like my bedroom as it is plus the bluetack that would remain means it would need a serious paint job!). Yet I also have pieces of modern sculpture, some canvases with beach paintings and lots of books.
This clash of child and adult will sort itself out slowly, I am still a teenager for another year and I am not wishing that away. In some respects I would like to not loose my virginity when I am a teenager. In others that seems too planned and if I meet the right person, and it feels right and I feel ready then what will be will be.
For now I will just go with what I feel, and that is that I am not ready, if I am so confused about it then I am not. I am not going to go out there and try to purposefully lose it as if I am ashamed because I am not. I have to respect myself and believe in myself and what I feel is right, the minute I start not to is the time when things will go wrong and I might end up in a bad situation. So I wait until I find someone who is the right blend to tempt me to take a bite!
That is all very well, but I am still a virgin, hello? A little subtlety would be appreciated here. I don't think I have ever masturbated properly so that approach is just going to get me bright red, stammering, thinking help get me out of here. The first time I want to know the guy, like any other person would expect. A one night stand might sound fun but I am not a girl who sleeps with someone on the first date, I don't even know if I am the type to kiss on a first date.
And that is the trouble with me, I am hopelessly old fashioned in this regard, which sometimes come at a total opposite to other wants. I am a Gemini (not that I really believe in stars but it is a handy excuse) I seem to have two personalities that conflict with each other, I believe I can make them align but it is difficult.
Most vanilla people don't have as many scruples as I do, and I have not come across a non sexually experienced person into BDSM yet so I can't know about them. In this day and age virginity does not seem something that people are proud of generally, it doesn't even seem to matter. I am not waiting until I get married and I am not particularly attached to it but the longer I am one the more confused I get.
I want to have sex, don't get me wrong but at the same time I like being a virgin. I don't know why, it does not do anything for me, nobody walking past me on the streets knows but yet I do. I feel I am still so young, that something will change. I have in many regards been slow to grow up, in others I had to grow up very quickly. My room is still covered in posters and cut out pictures, complete with horses and Winnie the pooh (I know just a bit embarrasing talking about it but i like my bedroom as it is plus the bluetack that would remain means it would need a serious paint job!). Yet I also have pieces of modern sculpture, some canvases with beach paintings and lots of books.
This clash of child and adult will sort itself out slowly, I am still a teenager for another year and I am not wishing that away. In some respects I would like to not loose my virginity when I am a teenager. In others that seems too planned and if I meet the right person, and it feels right and I feel ready then what will be will be.
For now I will just go with what I feel, and that is that I am not ready, if I am so confused about it then I am not. I am not going to go out there and try to purposefully lose it as if I am ashamed because I am not. I have to respect myself and believe in myself and what I feel is right, the minute I start not to is the time when things will go wrong and I might end up in a bad situation. So I wait until I find someone who is the right blend to tempt me to take a bite!
Monday 3 May 2010
First follower
Okay, silly little dance going on here. I have a follower!!!!!! Alright so I did ask as Jayne has a really good blog - link at top of page just under the header, it is absolutly full with other peoples blogs like me! I was finding it a bit hard to find other blogs talking about a submissive lifestyle but here was nirvana! Uh, so yeah a very small and silly post due to my first follower pathetic but hey!
An eye-opener
Today I read An Owned Life by Dennis Najee, it was an eye opener and had some really good points. Although I am not interested in that level of this lifestyle it helped me see that before I start anything I have to get me in order first. I have to be able to commit and submit to this lifestyle first before trying to find a Dom. It was also nice to know that I am not the only one terrified by that thought, finding a Dom, it is all very well but there are so many pitfalls.
How do you find the right guy let alone the right Dom, you have to avoid all the armature's and predators and find someone who is right for you. Using common sense is a huge must and yet for me my common sense tells me that it is very unlikely that I will find anyone online. It is too easy to be dishonest, I know full well that there are many success stories but there are so many more failures and my upbringing shouts no.
My upbringing is something I have to fight against, they would say that BDSM is wrong and unnatural, I do not agree. And yet my parents are a huge part of my life and I am very close to my family, if I can not bring someone home to meet the family then I will assume that they are the wrong person for me. I have to be happy that my family will accept them and our relationship, so coming home with a 40 year old man with children is not going to happen. Quite rightly too as I doubt this man would be right for me.
So how much can I rely on my upbringing to help my instincts? Are chat rooms dangerous? Yes, they are if you do not use the right amount of common sense and this is what I will have to do as I am not in a position to meet anyone in real life at the moment. I think a munch would be better but if I found a mentor online and chatted to some other subs that would surely help me in real life.
I have made some semi rules for myself that I think are sensible. They are - No real name in chat rooms, only after a while in IM, after I get to know them a bit better. No picture for at least four weeks of communicating. No mention of nearby locations to my home. No giving out of mobile number until I feel comfortable. Anyone who pressures me about these, who does not believe in safe words and who wants to meet in real life after only a couple of times communicating is not someone to continue talking with. And I am not interested in becoming a sub to a particular person, I want advice and mentor-ship, not ownership.
While this might be a bit paranoid I think sticking to these guidelines will help me be firm and weed out most of the unsuitable people. Other than that, trust my instincts and anything that shouts wrong to me, any dishonesty that gets found out is an automatic red flag. I would not be this cynical in real life or unforgiving in a vanilla situation but I believe I should be extra careful the Internet is a wonderful place for untrustworthy people.
How do you find the right guy let alone the right Dom, you have to avoid all the armature's and predators and find someone who is right for you. Using common sense is a huge must and yet for me my common sense tells me that it is very unlikely that I will find anyone online. It is too easy to be dishonest, I know full well that there are many success stories but there are so many more failures and my upbringing shouts no.
My upbringing is something I have to fight against, they would say that BDSM is wrong and unnatural, I do not agree. And yet my parents are a huge part of my life and I am very close to my family, if I can not bring someone home to meet the family then I will assume that they are the wrong person for me. I have to be happy that my family will accept them and our relationship, so coming home with a 40 year old man with children is not going to happen. Quite rightly too as I doubt this man would be right for me.
So how much can I rely on my upbringing to help my instincts? Are chat rooms dangerous? Yes, they are if you do not use the right amount of common sense and this is what I will have to do as I am not in a position to meet anyone in real life at the moment. I think a munch would be better but if I found a mentor online and chatted to some other subs that would surely help me in real life.
I have made some semi rules for myself that I think are sensible. They are - No real name in chat rooms, only after a while in IM, after I get to know them a bit better. No picture for at least four weeks of communicating. No mention of nearby locations to my home. No giving out of mobile number until I feel comfortable. Anyone who pressures me about these, who does not believe in safe words and who wants to meet in real life after only a couple of times communicating is not someone to continue talking with. And I am not interested in becoming a sub to a particular person, I want advice and mentor-ship, not ownership.
While this might be a bit paranoid I think sticking to these guidelines will help me be firm and weed out most of the unsuitable people. Other than that, trust my instincts and anything that shouts wrong to me, any dishonesty that gets found out is an automatic red flag. I would not be this cynical in real life or unforgiving in a vanilla situation but I believe I should be extra careful the Internet is a wonderful place for untrustworthy people.
Sunday 2 May 2010
Saturday 1 May 2010
More than sex
BDSM and D/s is more that just sex, it is a mindset and a way of life, I don’t think I could do it online, it may start off that way – getting to know each other, but for me the actual physical domination is what I crave that mentality that can occur when you are faced with someone bigger and more powerful than you are and fully aware of it. That sense of vunerability, an edge of fear and yet trust that they will not harm you more than you can handle. I want to feel like a woman and for that I need a man who is male, an alpha male.
At the same time I know that although it turns me on and intrigues me the lifestyle of a Master and slave is not for me, maybe for a couple of day but not for life. I want to be equal in all areas apart from our sex life but I also want a dominant man, one who will stand up to me, will not let me win an argument just for the sake of peace, one who will take care of DIY and traditional male stuff. On the other hand I would like a job but preferably to keep me interested not to provide monetary income. This I know will be unlikely in this day and age but a compromise would be that he earnt more than me. A man that I would want to cook for, make him feel comfortable and relaxed but who would not object to cooking himself or opening doors for me.
I am 18, what can I say, I want the best of both worlds as I see it, it is a dream that is unlikey to become reality but I won’t stop wishing. I believe feminisim has gone too far and so many men are just so wimpy and women too aggressive I would like to be part 50’s wife, part partner, part lover, part submissive it might be asking too much but…..
At the same time I know that although it turns me on and intrigues me the lifestyle of a Master and slave is not for me, maybe for a couple of day but not for life. I want to be equal in all areas apart from our sex life but I also want a dominant man, one who will stand up to me, will not let me win an argument just for the sake of peace, one who will take care of DIY and traditional male stuff. On the other hand I would like a job but preferably to keep me interested not to provide monetary income. This I know will be unlikely in this day and age but a compromise would be that he earnt more than me. A man that I would want to cook for, make him feel comfortable and relaxed but who would not object to cooking himself or opening doors for me.
I am 18, what can I say, I want the best of both worlds as I see it, it is a dream that is unlikey to become reality but I won’t stop wishing. I believe feminisim has gone too far and so many men are just so wimpy and women too aggressive I would like to be part 50’s wife, part partner, part lover, part submissive it might be asking too much but…..
Why, what and who?
It is all very well to say I am a sub, but what does that mean when I don’t actually know for sure. I am turned on by images and stories about women submitting to men, I am not turned on by women dominating men and I am not turned on by women dominating or submitting to other women. However I am turned on by male/male but not so much in the BDSM arena mostly more generally. If I take myself to be something because I am turned on by it does that really mean I either want to be a gay man or have a threesome or just that I can see the attraction as I myself am attracted to males yet can’t with women/women as I am not attracted to women? Then there are those fleeting thoughts that in some cases I might be, attracted to some women that is, and yet thinking about that now my brain is shouting no way!
I am a proud independant girl who likes to think she is intelligent and logical, so how can I make a major decision about sex and my sex life when I know absolutly nothing about it. I do not think I have ever even mastabated properly before I certainly haven’t done it the way all the stories and pictures show it as doing that is much too sensitive and not pleasurable so I stop, I do not think I have had an orgasm so again I ask myself how?
Well I definitely want to try certain things out, anal sex for a start, I would like to try a threesome – two men not another woman, I would like to be spanked with a bare hand and try with other things too, I would like to be tied up, and the first thing I would like to try is a blow job this is a huge thing for me. Yet, do I just want to try kinky sex is this really a desire to submit to a man or just a steak of wildness in this area?
Honest answer is I don’t know, can’t know until I try. I do know is that it will take a particular man for me to be able to submit to, he will have to be intelligent, logical, fair, not have a beard or a beer belly!, and be a man that ultimately I can respect. The beard thing especially – huge turn off for me!! lol
The ultimate question though is will I even like sex? Will I be able to have sex? With the ME normal activities make me tired, anything that is extra to that and makes normal people tired can sometimes knock me out for days and I can get foggy half way through it. It would be a huge let down if that happened. Then there is the fact that I do not know if I can go on the pill or not, something that is hard for any woman to decide but my body tends to react to things like a hypochondriac. Not to mention that some stuff I have to be careful with like being tied up as my body reacts like an old lady’s.
I would not be able to kneel for a long time or stand for that matter. With all this it makes it difficult for me to believe that there is a mentor out there fore me let alone someone who would want to dominate me that I would want to submit to.
I am a proud independant girl who likes to think she is intelligent and logical, so how can I make a major decision about sex and my sex life when I know absolutly nothing about it. I do not think I have ever even mastabated properly before I certainly haven’t done it the way all the stories and pictures show it as doing that is much too sensitive and not pleasurable so I stop, I do not think I have had an orgasm so again I ask myself how?
Well I definitely want to try certain things out, anal sex for a start, I would like to try a threesome – two men not another woman, I would like to be spanked with a bare hand and try with other things too, I would like to be tied up, and the first thing I would like to try is a blow job this is a huge thing for me. Yet, do I just want to try kinky sex is this really a desire to submit to a man or just a steak of wildness in this area?
Honest answer is I don’t know, can’t know until I try. I do know is that it will take a particular man for me to be able to submit to, he will have to be intelligent, logical, fair, not have a beard or a beer belly!, and be a man that ultimately I can respect. The beard thing especially – huge turn off for me!! lol
The ultimate question though is will I even like sex? Will I be able to have sex? With the ME normal activities make me tired, anything that is extra to that and makes normal people tired can sometimes knock me out for days and I can get foggy half way through it. It would be a huge let down if that happened. Then there is the fact that I do not know if I can go on the pill or not, something that is hard for any woman to decide but my body tends to react to things like a hypochondriac. Not to mention that some stuff I have to be careful with like being tied up as my body reacts like an old lady’s.
I would not be able to kneel for a long time or stand for that matter. With all this it makes it difficult for me to believe that there is a mentor out there fore me let alone someone who would want to dominate me that I would want to submit to.
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