Hot

This weather is so nice, I never knew England could actually have this sort of weather for this long. I have been able to have long walks in the evening with my dog after a day spent sunbathing by the pool. I am being totaly lazy though have finally managed to tidy my room completly. Just reading and doing some art, it has been perfect. At night, it is the perfect excuse not to wear anything.

I did this for the first time this year, last night. Just pants as I don't like being comepletly naked - I was talking to a friend about this and I think it is because it makes me feel so vunerable. It would be better if someone else was there! The feeling of the duvet hugging naked skin, being able to feel that texture on the inside of your thighs and your underarms. No material cloying against your skin. It is a true freedom.

This morning I went skinny dipping, with nobody at home it just seemed so much bother to put on a bikini. The water was so silky, and it felt just so fun to do something that is considered slightly risky. It is just so great not to have anything confining anything, going underwater was just magical, it was just the right temperature and such a brilliant day.

I just love this weather, less clothes needed - shorts can be worn! It takes less time to get dressed in the morning and you actually spend most of the day in a bikini. My skin is feeling great, soft from the water and slightly glowing when not red - I did burn a bit by mistake. Idilic days really, long may it last, the feel of water, air and sheets against bare skin is just such a turn on! lol

Trust

Trust is something I have always found difficult. I don't actually trust anyone completely, and I trust very few in various parts of my life.

I trusted my History teacher, he was someone I could talk to, he was fair, he was a good teacher and he knew how to relax and yet get the most out of someone. He did not take his emotions out on us and he didn't have a chip on his shoulder about being at a private school. Very few teachers of mine were like this, they were either moody, or had a massive chip, were too unpredictable or just couldn't control the class.

I trusted a boy I met a few summers ago at a cooking school, I felt safe with him, I trusted him and I could relax around him. I also completely thought he was gay until he told me about his girlfriend!

I don't trust my family. I don't trust my mother as she is too unpredictable, something one day will produce one reaction while another it will get a completely different one. She will promise to keep something secret and yet the next week will tell a friend or one of my sisters. She lets emotions rule her and she favours one of my sisters so blatantly that others have commented on it. Mummy will be joking with me about something but will suddenly get so cross that she will throw something in the blink of an eye. When I was younger I couldn't read her at all, when she raised an arm I didn't know if she was going to throw something, or hug me, so I flinched. This Christmas she almost ripped this family apart with arguments with my older sister damaging her health in the proceed.

I can't trust Daddy as he will never stand up for me or my sisters against Mummy, he will secretly come after it is all over and tell us that she was wrong but that we have to apologise, he just won't get into an argument with her. He lets her treat him like filth, although this has saved them from getting a divorce, I can't trust him to do what is best for me or my sisters if it goes against what Mummy wants.

I can't trust my sisters as they think I am weird, they laugh at me and put me down and gang up with Mummy against these 'differences'. They are too judgemental, I wouldn't be able to trust them with the real me.

I love my family, and I know they do so much for me, they fight battles for me and help make my life easier but I can't trust them.

I would love a proper friend, one who I could talk to about everything, one who I could totally be myself without fear of them judging me or laughing behind my back. It would be great and the thing I long for the most. Living with my parents properly at the moment is getting more stressful and more strained. I don't think I can survive the narrow mindedness and small amount of people I actually see for another year. I want to go out and meet people, people I know I will get on with and yet my parents and sisters look at with suspicion. People who like music, art, don't follow the preppy crowd and are free to be individual and themselves. Someone who maybe I could find to trust.

Facial Hair

I am totally superficial about facial hair. I might like a guy, I might fancie a guy but if he suddenly turns up with facial hair it is a total turn off for me. There have been only two people who I have met who actually looked good looking with facial hair but even then they were better off without it. Case in point with Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice he is very good looking but would be so much better off without the sideburns. Some stubble, is sexy but only five o'clock shadow or just woken up and haven't shaved yet. Full on mustaches and beards are for me a total no go area. This is shallow of me, there are lots of really nice people with facial hair but for me there is just something about it that is a total turn off.

I have read various debates whether the physical appearance of a Dom actually matters, whether or not it is the command they project and respect they inspire that does for the trick. I don't know, I haven't met a Dom as far as I know but I do know one thing, that if I do meet a Dom, he won't have facial hair.

I do apologise to all those out there sporting hair on your faces but until you shave it off, you just don't do it for me! Not sure whether Doms would have this or not but another turn off for me just generally is a damp limp handshake, look me in the eye and give a firm controlled handshake and my estimation of you will immediately go up. Don't just hold it either as that is just so awkward and feels as if you just can't make the effort, so why should I make the effort to like you.

So facial hair and damp limp handshakes are the two main things that make me go all superficial I just can't seem to get over them!

I'm back!

This past week has been a nightmare, I got a cold and my body decided to be a total hypochondriac and I was in bed for about a week and half. Feeling much better now though can't stand up for too long as everything starts to feel slightly compressed.
I have been doing a lot of reading though, and managed at last to get my laptop to accept the ebook version of The Story of O. As I live with my parents and any post I get discussed and shown with said parents and no hiding spot viable for such books I have been unable to read it thus far.

Well, it is written slightly strangely but I already knew that and once I got passed that, it was a really good read. It is nothing like I would want however, but I agree that it is a classic. I am not really sure what to say about it, I read a very good post on it the other day which did prompt me to try again. http://discerningdom.blogspot.com/2010/06/story-of-o.html

I like it, but to me that is too far. It is beautiful, but not my sort of thing. I can appreciate it but probably not fully understand the mentality needed. It made me think, it made me evaluate and it made me ponder what exactly submission means to me. Although this is very definitely submission, it is not the type of submission I can give nor the type of domination that I can take.

It is just not me, and it doesn't have to be. I love that in BDSM a label seems more to be a concept than a definition. There are so many different levels and varying degrees contained within each heading that while two people might call themselves a submissive they are in effect totally different in their attitudes to submission and yet there is an underlying commonality.

On another matter, I have had to rethink the mentor thing. I did think I was looking for one, but for now I am sticking to making some friends. If something comes up that I need advice on, then I can ask them. I talked with some people over an offer that somebody made me to become my mentor. It seemed camming and actually doing some sexual things was involved which at the moment I am not prepared for. I thought it would be someone who I went to with questions, who would maybe help me with some suggestions as to what to read etc. As to what the etc. was, I wasn't quite sure! The whole thing really made me think seriously and I have come to the conclusion that I really don't feel comfortable at the moment doing anything sexual, I don't think I am ready. If I meet someone and we get closer and it comes up then I will think again but I am happy with the status quo at the moment and think I still have some growing up to do.

It was really sad last week as I had to say goodbye to a friend who, if I had been well, would have become something more than a friend. He is going back to his own country and I will really miss him, he is coming back to England for university but I suspect we will not see each other again. Sad and a bit lonely, a lot of what might have beens, but I am now a year older and am positive that this year will be a year to reckon with.

Poem

I read a book called The Imam's Daughter by Hannah Shah and it had part of this poem in it. It touched me and I had to look it up. I really like it. Here it is in its intirity:

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer


It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Knowledge 2

True knowledge, is the knowledge that you will never know everything.

Knowledge

The more I live, the less I think I know.