A blend

Is it too much to ask to have a blend, I love chocolate but could not go forever without vanilla. My favourite ice-cream is choc-chip cookie dough, vanilla ice-cream with exciting bits. I want to be a sub but that does not mean I am only interested in sex and submitting. I am a girl, I want to get to know the guy, go see a film with him, have him take me out, go to a museum together, go for a walk together. Not hello, nice to meet you, do you want me to slam my cock into you ass while you masturbate.

That is all very well, but I am still a virgin, hello? A little subtlety would be appreciated here. I don't think I have ever masturbated properly so that approach is just going to get me bright red, stammering, thinking help get me out of here. The first time I want to know the guy, like any other person would expect. A one night stand might sound fun but I am not a girl who sleeps with someone on the first date, I don't even know if I am the type to kiss on a first date.

And that is the trouble with me, I am hopelessly old fashioned in this regard, which sometimes come at a total opposite to other wants. I am a Gemini (not that I really believe in stars but it is a handy excuse) I seem to have two personalities that conflict with each other, I believe I can make them align but it is difficult.

Most vanilla people don't have as many scruples as I do, and I have not come across a non sexually experienced person into BDSM yet so I can't know about them. In this day and age virginity does not seem something that people are proud of generally, it doesn't even seem to matter. I am not waiting until I get married and I am not particularly attached to it but the longer I am one the more confused I get.

I want to have sex, don't get me wrong but at the same time I like being a virgin. I don't know why, it does not do anything for me, nobody walking past me on the streets knows but yet I do. I feel I am still so young, that something will change. I have in many regards been slow to grow up, in others I had to grow up very quickly. My room is still covered in posters and cut out pictures, complete with horses and Winnie the pooh (I know just a bit embarrasing talking about it but i like my bedroom as it is plus the bluetack that would remain means it would need a serious paint job!). Yet I also have pieces of modern sculpture, some canvases with beach paintings and lots of books.

This clash of child and adult will sort itself out slowly, I am still a teenager for another year and I am not wishing that away. In some respects I would like to not loose my virginity when I am a teenager. In others that seems too planned and if I meet the right person, and it feels right and I feel ready then what will be will be.

For now I will just go with what I feel, and that is that I am not ready, if I am so confused about it then I am not. I am not going to go out there and try to purposefully lose it as if I am ashamed because I am not. I have to respect myself and believe in myself and what I feel is right, the minute I start not to is the time when things will go wrong and I might end up in a bad situation. So I wait until I find someone who is the right blend to tempt me to take a bite!