On Thursday I met up with T. This time last year he took me on my first date, he also asked me to be his girlfriend. Unfortunately I said no as we had only met three times and although I really liked him I wanted to get to know him a bit better first. Then came Christmas and with that I became ill, I only saw him three times after that, though he kept on asking and kept on being in contact throughout the year. He finally went home to Switzerland after his exams and although there was a chance that he might go to Oxford Brookes he didn't get the grades and ended up in Wales.
Where upon every time he got drunk he texted me saying he missed me. Cute the first time but ended up being a bit heartbreaking after a while. I wanted to move on really and forget about him. He didn't really keep in contact otherwise and although we had some great chats when he was drunk he then wouldn't reply or speak to me when he was sober. Well he did it the week before last and I got fed up. He had told me that he had stopped going to uni and was in London until his flight. I told him that he had to stop texting me where upon he asked if he could see me. Seeing as I had asked if this was a possibility or not and he had told me it wasn't, this was a bit confusing but I wanted to see him for one last time really to say goodbye, and to stop the texts.
So he came down on Thursday, I was completely nervous and I think Mummy was half convinced that I was going to sleep with him - I wasn't! I managed to work myself up into a right tizzy especially on the bus but when I saw him it all stopped. He hadn't really changed at all except become a bit beefier - he is a rugby player. We went to the pub where we meet for Munches and so I felt comfortable and we then talked for two and half hours. There was one awkward moment but apart from that it was just great. He then took me out to lunch at a Thai place and then walked me to my bus. He gave me the funniest Christmas card with a seriously nice message in it.
It was so sad to say goodbye again - he is going back to Switzerland and then has army recruitment as they are conscripted over there. I doubt I will see him again.
It is sad as he is full of the things that could have been. Had I not been ill he would have been my first boyfriend, given me my first kiss and who knows he could have been the first person I slept with as well.
Unfortunately he is also kind, good looking, fun to talk to, generous and has a sense of humour. I am not over him, I suppose it will take a while. I guess also that some of the allure of him was the fact that nothing happened. He is a could have, might have, wished I had.
It was bittersweet but good closure, to hear what he was going to do and to see him one last time. I was sort of hoping that my memory had hyped him up but alas!
I wonder what might have been.
Saturday 11 December 2010
Friday 26 November 2010
The Scarlet Pimpernel
I came across The Scarlet Pimpernel when tidying my bedroom yesterday. I have never been able to read it and yet I count it among my favourite books. Soon after I got ME I was put on Amitriptyline, I was on it for three years (recommendation is for only three months). This was not because I was depressed because at that time I wasn't it was because at that time ME was thought to be a mental illness, it also is meant to help with pain relief. I was on 50mg a day for most of it.
It made me very zombie like, I got very bad insomnia, I lost my appetite and became very bloated and gained weight and in the last year year became very depressed. It didn't really work, I was still in pain and I was on the highest dose. In the last year we tried to decrease my dose with varying degrees of success, in the end we couldn't go further than 25mg. We had been told that it wasn't addictive but I would say that it was physically addictive, my body through a tantrum every time we tried to reduce it or come off it. It masked my senses and so coming off it meant that I had to face the full reality of what I actually felt. The doctors were not particularly helpful as they wanted to keep me on it.
Eventually Mummy and I decided that I would come off it no matter what it took and I went cold turkey.
What followed was the worst two and a half weeks in my life. I didn't sleep, I was in incredible pain, I was sweating and feverish and couldn't get out of bed. There was one night where I was in the most pain I have ever been in and I never want to feel that again. It was horrible, my parents tried to get a doctor to come out and give me a painkiller shot as the Co-codamol and other painkillers I was on were not making the remote bit of difference.
He refused when he found out I had ME, so to help me my parents stayed up through the night and read in shifts The Scarlet Pimpernel to me. They got me through that night, changing my sheets, getting the pills, constantly refilling the hot water bottle and just being there with me. Whenever I doubt that my parents love me I remember that night and it completely banishes that thought. It was the worst night in my life but also the most memorable due to my parents actions.
That night also cemented my wariness of doctors from that point onwards as well. We stuck it out though I think if it had lasted much longer I think my mother might have relented but it worked and there was a huge improvement. It had though destroyed my sleep patterns and it took us two years to sort those out and I still have to be quite rigid about them. I became quite depressed in the years after as well, but after an increasing amount of suicidal thoughts I went on St. John's Wart which was very helpful.
I saw a nutritionist that summer who took me off wheat, sugar, dairy, caffeine and citrus fruit and that combined with coming off the pills made me loose a serious amount of weight. So munch so that I had to eat a certain amount of potatoes each day to try and regain it. My appetite still swings but is on a much even keel but the main thing is hat the only time I am not switched on is when I have brain fog, I am not zombie like each day. I can appreciate life and my senses are all switched on and working. And most importantly I can hug my parents in thanks for that night and many other times that they stuck by me and fought for me in the various battles that have occurred.
But I have never been able to read The Scarlet Pimpernel since because the memories of that night take over.
It made me very zombie like, I got very bad insomnia, I lost my appetite and became very bloated and gained weight and in the last year year became very depressed. It didn't really work, I was still in pain and I was on the highest dose. In the last year we tried to decrease my dose with varying degrees of success, in the end we couldn't go further than 25mg. We had been told that it wasn't addictive but I would say that it was physically addictive, my body through a tantrum every time we tried to reduce it or come off it. It masked my senses and so coming off it meant that I had to face the full reality of what I actually felt. The doctors were not particularly helpful as they wanted to keep me on it.
Eventually Mummy and I decided that I would come off it no matter what it took and I went cold turkey.
What followed was the worst two and a half weeks in my life. I didn't sleep, I was in incredible pain, I was sweating and feverish and couldn't get out of bed. There was one night where I was in the most pain I have ever been in and I never want to feel that again. It was horrible, my parents tried to get a doctor to come out and give me a painkiller shot as the Co-codamol and other painkillers I was on were not making the remote bit of difference.
He refused when he found out I had ME, so to help me my parents stayed up through the night and read in shifts The Scarlet Pimpernel to me. They got me through that night, changing my sheets, getting the pills, constantly refilling the hot water bottle and just being there with me. Whenever I doubt that my parents love me I remember that night and it completely banishes that thought. It was the worst night in my life but also the most memorable due to my parents actions.
That night also cemented my wariness of doctors from that point onwards as well. We stuck it out though I think if it had lasted much longer I think my mother might have relented but it worked and there was a huge improvement. It had though destroyed my sleep patterns and it took us two years to sort those out and I still have to be quite rigid about them. I became quite depressed in the years after as well, but after an increasing amount of suicidal thoughts I went on St. John's Wart which was very helpful.
I saw a nutritionist that summer who took me off wheat, sugar, dairy, caffeine and citrus fruit and that combined with coming off the pills made me loose a serious amount of weight. So munch so that I had to eat a certain amount of potatoes each day to try and regain it. My appetite still swings but is on a much even keel but the main thing is hat the only time I am not switched on is when I have brain fog, I am not zombie like each day. I can appreciate life and my senses are all switched on and working. And most importantly I can hug my parents in thanks for that night and many other times that they stuck by me and fought for me in the various battles that have occurred.
But I have never been able to read The Scarlet Pimpernel since because the memories of that night take over.
Monday 22 November 2010
A very helpful answer
A couple of weeks ago I had a crisis of confidence, I wondered just what the hell I was doing. I sent someone a message
'I was having a bit of think last night and got really rather confused. Especially after having read some posts on here and just generally. I was wondering if I had got ahead of myself here - trying to run when I haven't walked yet. I mean I am a virgin so how on earth can I say I am into kinky stuff when I don't even know the vanilla. Some women have rape fantasies, it is something that turns them on but when it comes down to it and they act it out they don't like it. Maybe when it come down to it I am not actually kinky in which case I'm a fraud being on here and at the Munch's. I mean I haven't even ever kissed anyone and yet I have stood up and said that I am interested in the kinkier side of things. How do I really know, if I haven't had sex how can I really claim that I want to try rough sex when in reality I have no idea what occurs emotionally etc just in nilla sex.
The poor guy! lol But I had been thinking and driven myself into confusion by over thinking and getting totally mixed up. He sent back a very good reply which I won't post here as I don't have his permission but basically he told me that it was more the fact that I was interested in kinky sexuality not the amount of experience I had. That Munch's were the meeting of like minded people not the meeting of people who do the same stuff.
It was extremely helpful along with the other point he came up with and although I felt a little embarrassed having panicked like that I was also at the same time almost glad that I had actually come out and asked someone about it. I do have a point, at a time when I am not in a position to have a relationship of any sorts and not particularly inclined to have one either meeting people all with sex as a common interest might seem a bit odd. But then I realised that for me the Munch's are not a pick up joint, they are to meet and hopefully make friends with other open minded people and also hopefully learn more. So far this has worked and when I am there I don't feel a fraud and I hope I never will.
'I was having a bit of think last night and got really rather confused. Especially after having read some posts on here and just generally. I was wondering if I had got ahead of myself here - trying to run when I haven't walked yet. I mean I am a virgin so how on earth can I say I am into kinky stuff when I don't even know the vanilla. Some women have rape fantasies, it is something that turns them on but when it comes down to it and they act it out they don't like it. Maybe when it come down to it I am not actually kinky in which case I'm a fraud being on here and at the Munch's. I mean I haven't even ever kissed anyone and yet I have stood up and said that I am interested in the kinkier side of things. How do I really know, if I haven't had sex how can I really claim that I want to try rough sex when in reality I have no idea what occurs emotionally etc just in nilla sex.
The poor guy! lol But I had been thinking and driven myself into confusion by over thinking and getting totally mixed up. He sent back a very good reply which I won't post here as I don't have his permission but basically he told me that it was more the fact that I was interested in kinky sexuality not the amount of experience I had. That Munch's were the meeting of like minded people not the meeting of people who do the same stuff.
It was extremely helpful along with the other point he came up with and although I felt a little embarrassed having panicked like that I was also at the same time almost glad that I had actually come out and asked someone about it. I do have a point, at a time when I am not in a position to have a relationship of any sorts and not particularly inclined to have one either meeting people all with sex as a common interest might seem a bit odd. But then I realised that for me the Munch's are not a pick up joint, they are to meet and hopefully make friends with other open minded people and also hopefully learn more. So far this has worked and when I am there I don't feel a fraud and I hope I never will.
Saturday 20 November 2010
My dog and the memories she brings
I was thinking quite how much my dog means to me. It has just been her ninth birthday and I got her just after Christmas when I was ten. I was on six weeks bed rest and she spent the remainder of those weeks in bed right there with me. She used to curl up just by my head and we would go to sleep together and try and while away the day one way or another. At 3.30 we would move to my parents bed so I could watch Art Attack, Blue Peter, Newsround etc. It was the highlight of my day.
Most of the time I read though I played with my toys as best I could restricted to laying in bed. My sleep patterns got shot to pieces and I used to lie awake just waiting until the morning came and Mummy let my dog up.
When I then went into hospital for intensive physio to repair the damage that the doctor had done by prescribing this bed rest she was still so small and Daddy used to smuggle her in to say hello. I missed her a lot. My parents were brilliant, in the four weeks I was in hospital I only spent one night alone, they took it in turns to stay in the bed next to me (which had a jelly bean under it the entire time we were there!).
I am not quite sure how they managed it as my younger sister was a day girl and not very old herself. It was an odd time, I was in the teenage ward as the beds in the children's ward were too small and it was too noisy at night, it was completely empty except me. The hospital was far away from home and so it was difficult for both of them, I doubt they saw each other much that entire time. Daddy spent most of the time at home and my dog has a deeper bond with him than anyone else in the family except me.
It is now ten years that I have had ME, this year has sucked eggs (as the expression goes) and has had some really fun and amazing times too. I got to go to France to see the WW1 battlefields, a dream since I was six, I went with a different family and for four days I had the time of my life and I didn't have a relapse. I have managed to get to all bar one munch so far and I am now doing some Reeling (Scottish Dancing!). I have done something 'fun' every week for the last couple of weeks and it has been increasing.
I might have moaned and admittedly still do about this new treatment, I still hate it but I love what it has done for me. A few weeks ago I had more energy than I knew what to do with, I hadn't had that much for so long I had forgotten how to handle it. I slightly over did it but touch wood I am still okay. Christmas approaches with its own difficulties, both my sisters will be home and that is never an easy time with the family but it will be Christmas which tends to make it better.
If (and please God let it happen) I manage to get to Christmas without having a dip or getting a cold, it will have been my first Christmas since I first got ME that I will have got to at the same level as I felt at the end of the summer. It is so extraordinary to think this when life looked decidedly bleak at the beginning of the year.
I still have repercussions from that, I have to wear glasses more and sunglasses whenever it is bright, I can't really listen to the radio for that long, I feel car sick even when driving and I get really bad headaches most days but they are all things easily taken in stride when i think of what I am doing and how I am living at the moment. I had some problems with some new pills last week and it really brought it home how I was actually feeling now, to feel suddenly so sick and weak was sort of life affirming as it only lasted a couple of days and within three days i was at another munch!
My dog instead of sleeping next to me most of the day is begging me not to wash her after we go for long and very muddy walks. She snuggles up to me while we watch television downstairs and I can look forward to driving her somewhere exciting for a walk pretty soon as I am learning to drive and up to an hour and a half at a time now.
So yeah at a time when I normally get a bit depressed as yet another year has passed and I still have ME, I am happy and content, I have come to terms with what I have (at the moment anyway!) and the life I lead now (long may it last) is fulfilling and I am even straining to do more. I admit to having an aversion to making long term plans now but next week for me is a good week with lots of things to do and people to see and after that we shall see, I'll take it as it comes.
Most of the time I read though I played with my toys as best I could restricted to laying in bed. My sleep patterns got shot to pieces and I used to lie awake just waiting until the morning came and Mummy let my dog up.
When I then went into hospital for intensive physio to repair the damage that the doctor had done by prescribing this bed rest she was still so small and Daddy used to smuggle her in to say hello. I missed her a lot. My parents were brilliant, in the four weeks I was in hospital I only spent one night alone, they took it in turns to stay in the bed next to me (which had a jelly bean under it the entire time we were there!).
I am not quite sure how they managed it as my younger sister was a day girl and not very old herself. It was an odd time, I was in the teenage ward as the beds in the children's ward were too small and it was too noisy at night, it was completely empty except me. The hospital was far away from home and so it was difficult for both of them, I doubt they saw each other much that entire time. Daddy spent most of the time at home and my dog has a deeper bond with him than anyone else in the family except me.
It is now ten years that I have had ME, this year has sucked eggs (as the expression goes) and has had some really fun and amazing times too. I got to go to France to see the WW1 battlefields, a dream since I was six, I went with a different family and for four days I had the time of my life and I didn't have a relapse. I have managed to get to all bar one munch so far and I am now doing some Reeling (Scottish Dancing!). I have done something 'fun' every week for the last couple of weeks and it has been increasing.
I might have moaned and admittedly still do about this new treatment, I still hate it but I love what it has done for me. A few weeks ago I had more energy than I knew what to do with, I hadn't had that much for so long I had forgotten how to handle it. I slightly over did it but touch wood I am still okay. Christmas approaches with its own difficulties, both my sisters will be home and that is never an easy time with the family but it will be Christmas which tends to make it better.
If (and please God let it happen) I manage to get to Christmas without having a dip or getting a cold, it will have been my first Christmas since I first got ME that I will have got to at the same level as I felt at the end of the summer. It is so extraordinary to think this when life looked decidedly bleak at the beginning of the year.
I still have repercussions from that, I have to wear glasses more and sunglasses whenever it is bright, I can't really listen to the radio for that long, I feel car sick even when driving and I get really bad headaches most days but they are all things easily taken in stride when i think of what I am doing and how I am living at the moment. I had some problems with some new pills last week and it really brought it home how I was actually feeling now, to feel suddenly so sick and weak was sort of life affirming as it only lasted a couple of days and within three days i was at another munch!
My dog instead of sleeping next to me most of the day is begging me not to wash her after we go for long and very muddy walks. She snuggles up to me while we watch television downstairs and I can look forward to driving her somewhere exciting for a walk pretty soon as I am learning to drive and up to an hour and a half at a time now.
So yeah at a time when I normally get a bit depressed as yet another year has passed and I still have ME, I am happy and content, I have come to terms with what I have (at the moment anyway!) and the life I lead now (long may it last) is fulfilling and I am even straining to do more. I admit to having an aversion to making long term plans now but next week for me is a good week with lots of things to do and people to see and after that we shall see, I'll take it as it comes.
Tuesday 14 September 2010
Floating calm
I had an appointment again yesterday and although I didn't like the actual thing, I really tried to be jolly and happy with the guy, though it is a bit difficult. However today I feel pretty good, I got up, a bit later than normal I admit but you can't have everything! I also managed to go bicycling! Not that far but beyond the drive and out onto the road. It was such a thrill do be able to do it when I was really expecting to be in bed all day today.
I haven't done much, I have been doing a latch-hook rug which is really relaxing, in front of several episodes of Law & Order SVU and UK. I had a stack to watch since I recorded them when I went away. Tonight I am hopefully going out for an early supper with my parents and older sister so off to have a rest after this. But I feel all spaced out and just really calm, I was on such a high after Saturday. I don't get to do something like that very often (go out I mean, not attend a munch!) and I was get so excited just remembering it and the fact I had fun. I tend to have to live off those memories for months sometimes so I try and get as much out of them as possible.
Anyway so I was on high from Saturday all Sunday and then Monday I was nervous about the treament and then rather emotional and tired afterwards. Today just everything seems to waft over me, all sort of happy floating. Very nice feeling, I am compus mentus, not totaly functing on top form mentally and physically but up and about. As I said floating! lol I sound like I am on drugs - I promise I'm not!
I haven't done much, I have been doing a latch-hook rug which is really relaxing, in front of several episodes of Law & Order SVU and UK. I had a stack to watch since I recorded them when I went away. Tonight I am hopefully going out for an early supper with my parents and older sister so off to have a rest after this. But I feel all spaced out and just really calm, I was on such a high after Saturday. I don't get to do something like that very often (go out I mean, not attend a munch!) and I was get so excited just remembering it and the fact I had fun. I tend to have to live off those memories for months sometimes so I try and get as much out of them as possible.
Anyway so I was on high from Saturday all Sunday and then Monday I was nervous about the treament and then rather emotional and tired afterwards. Today just everything seems to waft over me, all sort of happy floating. Very nice feeling, I am compus mentus, not totaly functing on top form mentally and physically but up and about. As I said floating! lol I sound like I am on drugs - I promise I'm not!
Saturday 11 September 2010
My First Munch
Yesterday I went to my first Munch. I had heard about it on Fetlife as one of my friends there was organising it. It was an Under35's event in Oxford and although I looked at it I originally didn't even think about going. It was in Oxford and I was going to Oxford shopping once and I didn't think I could cope with twice let alone be allowed to.
Anyway after I got back from a successful afternoons shopping in which I had met up with a few friends from college, I suddenly heard myself telling Mummy that there was an opportunity to meet up with some people on Saturday and was it possible!! Even more unexpected was the fact she said yes! Having arranged plans to get me too and from the bus stop even though everyone seemed to be out or away I then realised actually what I had done.
I had agreed to go to a Munch.
I went back and properly read about it but didn't put whether I was going or not as I though it might jinx it! Anyway I ended up going, and it was really good fun. Although it was nerve wracking and as I didn't have my glasses on I had a bit of difficulty making out the troll that was proclaiming to one and all that these were the people that I was here to meet.
Immediately the problem of how to go over there, did I sidle over and enquire as to whether this was the Munch or did I walk straight on over and introduce myself? Having got a drink I did the latter, extremely brave of me and I was quaking on the inside, it was a bit awkward but maybe that was just me. After that though it was brilliant.
It was so good to actually meet some kinky people. They are normal! (I don't mean that in a bad way) I don't quite know why that surprised me but I also found I was relieved that actually people did do this stuff, it is all very well reading about it but you sometimes do slightly wonder whether it really does actually happen. And yet here were people talking about parties, clubs, Munch's etc. It was fascinating.
I actually met people who were kinky! Ok, I apologise for repeating myself, I still haven't quite got over it yet. Mind you I think I have met someone who is before as in my local tack shop there was a really nice pair of leather handcuffs - too big for me (I tried!), so someone must buy them or at least the person who makes them who I know might be into something.
I stayed for over three hours, I had only planned to stay for maximum two and had an escape plan if it was boring, or just plain scary, or just not my thing. But it went whizzing past, in the end though I did have a bus to catch and I was getting tired but I really hope that I can make it to the next one.
It was a really fascinating and great experience and one I would like to repeat. Good to hear other peoples stories, experiences and opinions and I can't quite believe that I had real conversation about porn in a pub at five o'clock in the afternoon (Don't quite know why time should matter but it was quite odd (a nice odd!) now I think back on it). It was good to do something physical about my interests in kink, it made it more real and this I think was a good thing.
So, my first Munch! Such fun and to be repeated hopefully!
Anyway after I got back from a successful afternoons shopping in which I had met up with a few friends from college, I suddenly heard myself telling Mummy that there was an opportunity to meet up with some people on Saturday and was it possible!! Even more unexpected was the fact she said yes! Having arranged plans to get me too and from the bus stop even though everyone seemed to be out or away I then realised actually what I had done.
I had agreed to go to a Munch.
I went back and properly read about it but didn't put whether I was going or not as I though it might jinx it! Anyway I ended up going, and it was really good fun. Although it was nerve wracking and as I didn't have my glasses on I had a bit of difficulty making out the troll that was proclaiming to one and all that these were the people that I was here to meet.
Immediately the problem of how to go over there, did I sidle over and enquire as to whether this was the Munch or did I walk straight on over and introduce myself? Having got a drink I did the latter, extremely brave of me and I was quaking on the inside, it was a bit awkward but maybe that was just me. After that though it was brilliant.
It was so good to actually meet some kinky people. They are normal! (I don't mean that in a bad way) I don't quite know why that surprised me but I also found I was relieved that actually people did do this stuff, it is all very well reading about it but you sometimes do slightly wonder whether it really does actually happen. And yet here were people talking about parties, clubs, Munch's etc. It was fascinating.
I actually met people who were kinky! Ok, I apologise for repeating myself, I still haven't quite got over it yet. Mind you I think I have met someone who is before as in my local tack shop there was a really nice pair of leather handcuffs - too big for me (I tried!), so someone must buy them or at least the person who makes them who I know might be into something.
I stayed for over three hours, I had only planned to stay for maximum two and had an escape plan if it was boring, or just plain scary, or just not my thing. But it went whizzing past, in the end though I did have a bus to catch and I was getting tired but I really hope that I can make it to the next one.
It was a really fascinating and great experience and one I would like to repeat. Good to hear other peoples stories, experiences and opinions and I can't quite believe that I had real conversation about porn in a pub at five o'clock in the afternoon (Don't quite know why time should matter but it was quite odd (a nice odd!) now I think back on it). It was good to do something physical about my interests in kink, it made it more real and this I think was a good thing.
So, my first Munch! Such fun and to be repeated hopefully!
An interesting two months
Two whole months have gone past since I made my last post. The Perrin Technique must be doing something because it wiped out July and August for me. I have done absolutly nothing until the last two weeks. I have felt completly out of it and not really connected to anything, in fact I can't quite believe so much time has gone by.
The appointments have not got easier, I still don't like them and they do make me really quite emotional afterwards but I can cope with them. I have had only a few as he was away and then I was just recently but most of the time I have been in bed or been watching television. In fact I have got quite sick of it and was bored silly.
It didn't help that I had a complete hissy fit when Mummy decided I had been ill for quite long enough and decided the only way I was going to get better, for some reason, was to drag me out of bed physically. She does this everytime I am ill for a certain number of weeks and it has nver worked and just make both of us extremly upset. This time I refused to take any pills and only took them once she promised not to do it again, I said that if she did I would stop all treatment. At the time it was perfectly logical - she is the one who want me to do this Technique and take the pills but of course now I see it is cutting off my nose to spite my face. Although I don't like it, it should help and that is the main thing.
Anyway that blow up caused a bit of egg shell walking for a bit as we both said things we shouldn't have but we recovered, and have four weeks later started saying 'I love you' to each other again. For some reason it is always the last thing to come back.
After that Perrin guy went easy on me for two sessions and I started to feel better, this was so I could manage to go to France. I did manage and flew most of the week. I felt really well, I swam twice everyday, we went to a market everyday and played ping pong and cards until quite late at night. I also had a rest every day but I didn't sleep well due to a creaky radiator and a different mattress but that didn't seem to affect me. This week has been amazing.
Since we have got back I have got up early and bycicled, then run and walked up and down my drive with our hound puppy before breakfast. I have also managed to go into Oxford twice, get to the library, sort out a projection for an auction, tidy my shed and room and drive, once a lesson and the rest with Mummy. This has been the best week this year.
Unfortunately I do have to go on Monday and have an appointment, but it will be interesting see my reaction to it, hopefully I will recover after half a week so I get a few days.
The only thing is I don't know whether the reaction is because of the treatment or the fact that he went easy for two weeks then I had two weeks off plus a holiday which always helps!
The appointments have not got easier, I still don't like them and they do make me really quite emotional afterwards but I can cope with them. I have had only a few as he was away and then I was just recently but most of the time I have been in bed or been watching television. In fact I have got quite sick of it and was bored silly.
It didn't help that I had a complete hissy fit when Mummy decided I had been ill for quite long enough and decided the only way I was going to get better, for some reason, was to drag me out of bed physically. She does this everytime I am ill for a certain number of weeks and it has nver worked and just make both of us extremly upset. This time I refused to take any pills and only took them once she promised not to do it again, I said that if she did I would stop all treatment. At the time it was perfectly logical - she is the one who want me to do this Technique and take the pills but of course now I see it is cutting off my nose to spite my face. Although I don't like it, it should help and that is the main thing.
Anyway that blow up caused a bit of egg shell walking for a bit as we both said things we shouldn't have but we recovered, and have four weeks later started saying 'I love you' to each other again. For some reason it is always the last thing to come back.
After that Perrin guy went easy on me for two sessions and I started to feel better, this was so I could manage to go to France. I did manage and flew most of the week. I felt really well, I swam twice everyday, we went to a market everyday and played ping pong and cards until quite late at night. I also had a rest every day but I didn't sleep well due to a creaky radiator and a different mattress but that didn't seem to affect me. This week has been amazing.
Since we have got back I have got up early and bycicled, then run and walked up and down my drive with our hound puppy before breakfast. I have also managed to go into Oxford twice, get to the library, sort out a projection for an auction, tidy my shed and room and drive, once a lesson and the rest with Mummy. This has been the best week this year.
Unfortunately I do have to go on Monday and have an appointment, but it will be interesting see my reaction to it, hopefully I will recover after half a week so I get a few days.
The only thing is I don't know whether the reaction is because of the treatment or the fact that he went easy for two weeks then I had two weeks off plus a holiday which always helps!
Friday 16 July 2010
Perrin Technique First Reactions
I had the most fantastic holiday but now I feel upset and uncomfortable. Last week was brilliant, I was able to do most of it and only got left behind a few times. There were long walks, swimming in the sea which was actually enjoyable and lots of time to read. It was different, we had two friends along which meant everything we did we tended to do together, I found this quite intense but I survived as I was able to have a room to myself and so could be alone while resting and sleeping. It was fun, so much fun, I changed colour a bit and read a lot of books!
However, on Tuesday I had my first appointment with a guy who is going to do the Perrin Technique with me. Mummy found him and wants me to see him and so I agreed. I was a bit wierded out as part of it involves breast massage but Mummy promised to come every session and so I agreed. It didn't start well, it was raining and I was meant to be driving on the way, for some reason my driving went to pot, not sure whether it was the rain or the fact that it was Mummy with me but everything went wrong and I ended up scaring myself and for the first time did not enjoy driving. The appointment was alright, I didn't really like him but what he did was alright, it was a bit odd taking of both shirt and bra but it was ok. It totally knocked me out the next day which was sort of funny, I thought the bed looked comfortable at about 11.30am and just wanted to lie down for a few minutes, next thing I knew I woke up and it was 4.00pm. That was a bit confusing but alright. Yesterday was good but not great energy wise but then I had a rest and we went out in the evening.
That was the most amount of fun I have had in a long time. Music and Fireworks at the nearby Defense Acadamy. Good food, good music and some really nice people, it was soaking by the end but we were having so much fun that it didn't matter. I had a ball and loved it so much.
This morning I woke tired but I had got to be late and had to be up by 8.00am so wasn't expecting to be on top form. Unfortunately, Mumy was tired as well and we had an argument on the way to my second appointment with Perrin guy. The appointment was horrible, it started off with a proper breast massage and I loathed it. I felt so tense and uncomfortable the whole time and just couldn't ignore it let alone try to relax. It went on for so long that I got annoyed and irratated at it and just wanted the whole thing to stop. Luckily I got cold so was able to put a rug on nearer to the end but I just hated being naked to the waist in front of this man.
Afterwards whatever he did made my head feel really funny and I just wanted to cry all the way home. I just didn't like it at all, and I don't want to do it again, but my next appointment is on Wednesday. It isn't like I can lie back and think of something nice as that might get the totally wrong reaction and I just hated what it felt like. It felt wrong to have his hands there, I didn't want them there and yet I had to just let him. I HATED it. I still want to cry just thinking about it.
I have a slight issue with personal space, for quite a few years if someone touched me it tended to hurt. This meant I got extremly wary about it. Although I do love human contact, a hug, a hand on my back, a ruffle of hair, etc. I only like it when I have said it is ok, when I welcome it and accept it. And the biggest part is that it is someone I know and semi trust. As I said in a previous post, I find it hard to trust and very few completely, in reality probably none, but I don't even like this guy. Let alone respect or trust him, and the whole thing feels wrong and I don't like it.
Reading over this I sound a bit like a child having a tantrum – I just don't like it – and yet all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry and for Mummy to hug me and say that I don't have to do it again. Instead she has booked me more sessions, one each week for a few months! She says she know it isn't great but that she believes it will work. All I can say to that is how many others have I seen after she told me that, ten years later I still have this bloody thing. He is invading my bubble, touching my body and I am deeply uncomfortable with it but still slightly wondering why I seem to be reacting like this and whether it is an overreaction. It isn't like he did it to me to molest me, or against my knowledge and permission – I had to sign something saying he could. But I signed more for Mummy than for me and if it was just me I wouldn't have gone near him. Maybe that is the difference. All I know is that next Wednesday he is going to do it again and I don't know if I can stand it.
However, on Tuesday I had my first appointment with a guy who is going to do the Perrin Technique with me. Mummy found him and wants me to see him and so I agreed. I was a bit wierded out as part of it involves breast massage but Mummy promised to come every session and so I agreed. It didn't start well, it was raining and I was meant to be driving on the way, for some reason my driving went to pot, not sure whether it was the rain or the fact that it was Mummy with me but everything went wrong and I ended up scaring myself and for the first time did not enjoy driving. The appointment was alright, I didn't really like him but what he did was alright, it was a bit odd taking of both shirt and bra but it was ok. It totally knocked me out the next day which was sort of funny, I thought the bed looked comfortable at about 11.30am and just wanted to lie down for a few minutes, next thing I knew I woke up and it was 4.00pm. That was a bit confusing but alright. Yesterday was good but not great energy wise but then I had a rest and we went out in the evening.
That was the most amount of fun I have had in a long time. Music and Fireworks at the nearby Defense Acadamy. Good food, good music and some really nice people, it was soaking by the end but we were having so much fun that it didn't matter. I had a ball and loved it so much.
This morning I woke tired but I had got to be late and had to be up by 8.00am so wasn't expecting to be on top form. Unfortunately, Mumy was tired as well and we had an argument on the way to my second appointment with Perrin guy. The appointment was horrible, it started off with a proper breast massage and I loathed it. I felt so tense and uncomfortable the whole time and just couldn't ignore it let alone try to relax. It went on for so long that I got annoyed and irratated at it and just wanted the whole thing to stop. Luckily I got cold so was able to put a rug on nearer to the end but I just hated being naked to the waist in front of this man.
Afterwards whatever he did made my head feel really funny and I just wanted to cry all the way home. I just didn't like it at all, and I don't want to do it again, but my next appointment is on Wednesday. It isn't like I can lie back and think of something nice as that might get the totally wrong reaction and I just hated what it felt like. It felt wrong to have his hands there, I didn't want them there and yet I had to just let him. I HATED it. I still want to cry just thinking about it.
I have a slight issue with personal space, for quite a few years if someone touched me it tended to hurt. This meant I got extremly wary about it. Although I do love human contact, a hug, a hand on my back, a ruffle of hair, etc. I only like it when I have said it is ok, when I welcome it and accept it. And the biggest part is that it is someone I know and semi trust. As I said in a previous post, I find it hard to trust and very few completely, in reality probably none, but I don't even like this guy. Let alone respect or trust him, and the whole thing feels wrong and I don't like it.
Reading over this I sound a bit like a child having a tantrum – I just don't like it – and yet all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry and for Mummy to hug me and say that I don't have to do it again. Instead she has booked me more sessions, one each week for a few months! She says she know it isn't great but that she believes it will work. All I can say to that is how many others have I seen after she told me that, ten years later I still have this bloody thing. He is invading my bubble, touching my body and I am deeply uncomfortable with it but still slightly wondering why I seem to be reacting like this and whether it is an overreaction. It isn't like he did it to me to molest me, or against my knowledge and permission – I had to sign something saying he could. But I signed more for Mummy than for me and if it was just me I wouldn't have gone near him. Maybe that is the difference. All I know is that next Wednesday he is going to do it again and I don't know if I can stand it.
Thursday 1 July 2010
Holiday
I am going on holiday tomorrow, I can't wait. Every year we go to the same place or at least the same area and we have a family holiday that is all reading, walking on the beach, eating and family games. Sometimes other people come along, most of the time we take the dogs and sometimes we take the horses. This year some dogs are coming and two friends. Last year I didn't get to go as I was ill so doubly looking forward to it.
Only problem is a four hour drive to get there and I am not good in a car, lots of pillows will help but still it is going to be tough. However, yesterday I bicycled a mile! I was so happy, apart from the mouth full of black buggies! They seem to be everywhere this year.
I also get serious thinking time, I have to sit down and decide what I am going to do in September, am I going to try again not being at home or am I going to stay? I am also going to try and work out how I am going to get to a munch. I am going to go to one this year, but still not quite sure how. Fun, fun, fun! Hopefully the weather will be great and I will come back relaxed and tanned and with my life sorted out for now! Snort!
Only problem is a four hour drive to get there and I am not good in a car, lots of pillows will help but still it is going to be tough. However, yesterday I bicycled a mile! I was so happy, apart from the mouth full of black buggies! They seem to be everywhere this year.
I also get serious thinking time, I have to sit down and decide what I am going to do in September, am I going to try again not being at home or am I going to stay? I am also going to try and work out how I am going to get to a munch. I am going to go to one this year, but still not quite sure how. Fun, fun, fun! Hopefully the weather will be great and I will come back relaxed and tanned and with my life sorted out for now! Snort!
Tuesday 29 June 2010
Hot
This weather is so nice, I never knew England could actually have this sort of weather for this long. I have been able to have long walks in the evening with my dog after a day spent sunbathing by the pool. I am being totaly lazy though have finally managed to tidy my room completly. Just reading and doing some art, it has been perfect. At night, it is the perfect excuse not to wear anything.
I did this for the first time this year, last night. Just pants as I don't like being comepletly naked - I was talking to a friend about this and I think it is because it makes me feel so vunerable. It would be better if someone else was there! The feeling of the duvet hugging naked skin, being able to feel that texture on the inside of your thighs and your underarms. No material cloying against your skin. It is a true freedom.
This morning I went skinny dipping, with nobody at home it just seemed so much bother to put on a bikini. The water was so silky, and it felt just so fun to do something that is considered slightly risky. It is just so great not to have anything confining anything, going underwater was just magical, it was just the right temperature and such a brilliant day.
I just love this weather, less clothes needed - shorts can be worn! It takes less time to get dressed in the morning and you actually spend most of the day in a bikini. My skin is feeling great, soft from the water and slightly glowing when not red - I did burn a bit by mistake. Idilic days really, long may it last, the feel of water, air and sheets against bare skin is just such a turn on! lol
I did this for the first time this year, last night. Just pants as I don't like being comepletly naked - I was talking to a friend about this and I think it is because it makes me feel so vunerable. It would be better if someone else was there! The feeling of the duvet hugging naked skin, being able to feel that texture on the inside of your thighs and your underarms. No material cloying against your skin. It is a true freedom.
This morning I went skinny dipping, with nobody at home it just seemed so much bother to put on a bikini. The water was so silky, and it felt just so fun to do something that is considered slightly risky. It is just so great not to have anything confining anything, going underwater was just magical, it was just the right temperature and such a brilliant day.
I just love this weather, less clothes needed - shorts can be worn! It takes less time to get dressed in the morning and you actually spend most of the day in a bikini. My skin is feeling great, soft from the water and slightly glowing when not red - I did burn a bit by mistake. Idilic days really, long may it last, the feel of water, air and sheets against bare skin is just such a turn on! lol
Saturday 26 June 2010
Trust
Trust is something I have always found difficult. I don't actually trust anyone completely, and I trust very few in various parts of my life.
I trusted my History teacher, he was someone I could talk to, he was fair, he was a good teacher and he knew how to relax and yet get the most out of someone. He did not take his emotions out on us and he didn't have a chip on his shoulder about being at a private school. Very few teachers of mine were like this, they were either moody, or had a massive chip, were too unpredictable or just couldn't control the class.
I trusted a boy I met a few summers ago at a cooking school, I felt safe with him, I trusted him and I could relax around him. I also completely thought he was gay until he told me about his girlfriend!
I don't trust my family. I don't trust my mother as she is too unpredictable, something one day will produce one reaction while another it will get a completely different one. She will promise to keep something secret and yet the next week will tell a friend or one of my sisters. She lets emotions rule her and she favours one of my sisters so blatantly that others have commented on it. Mummy will be joking with me about something but will suddenly get so cross that she will throw something in the blink of an eye. When I was younger I couldn't read her at all, when she raised an arm I didn't know if she was going to throw something, or hug me, so I flinched. This Christmas she almost ripped this family apart with arguments with my older sister damaging her health in the proceed.
I can't trust Daddy as he will never stand up for me or my sisters against Mummy, he will secretly come after it is all over and tell us that she was wrong but that we have to apologise, he just won't get into an argument with her. He lets her treat him like filth, although this has saved them from getting a divorce, I can't trust him to do what is best for me or my sisters if it goes against what Mummy wants.
I can't trust my sisters as they think I am weird, they laugh at me and put me down and gang up with Mummy against these 'differences'. They are too judgemental, I wouldn't be able to trust them with the real me.
I love my family, and I know they do so much for me, they fight battles for me and help make my life easier but I can't trust them.
I would love a proper friend, one who I could talk to about everything, one who I could totally be myself without fear of them judging me or laughing behind my back. It would be great and the thing I long for the most. Living with my parents properly at the moment is getting more stressful and more strained. I don't think I can survive the narrow mindedness and small amount of people I actually see for another year. I want to go out and meet people, people I know I will get on with and yet my parents and sisters look at with suspicion. People who like music, art, don't follow the preppy crowd and are free to be individual and themselves. Someone who maybe I could find to trust.
I trusted my History teacher, he was someone I could talk to, he was fair, he was a good teacher and he knew how to relax and yet get the most out of someone. He did not take his emotions out on us and he didn't have a chip on his shoulder about being at a private school. Very few teachers of mine were like this, they were either moody, or had a massive chip, were too unpredictable or just couldn't control the class.
I trusted a boy I met a few summers ago at a cooking school, I felt safe with him, I trusted him and I could relax around him. I also completely thought he was gay until he told me about his girlfriend!
I don't trust my family. I don't trust my mother as she is too unpredictable, something one day will produce one reaction while another it will get a completely different one. She will promise to keep something secret and yet the next week will tell a friend or one of my sisters. She lets emotions rule her and she favours one of my sisters so blatantly that others have commented on it. Mummy will be joking with me about something but will suddenly get so cross that she will throw something in the blink of an eye. When I was younger I couldn't read her at all, when she raised an arm I didn't know if she was going to throw something, or hug me, so I flinched. This Christmas she almost ripped this family apart with arguments with my older sister damaging her health in the proceed.
I can't trust Daddy as he will never stand up for me or my sisters against Mummy, he will secretly come after it is all over and tell us that she was wrong but that we have to apologise, he just won't get into an argument with her. He lets her treat him like filth, although this has saved them from getting a divorce, I can't trust him to do what is best for me or my sisters if it goes against what Mummy wants.
I can't trust my sisters as they think I am weird, they laugh at me and put me down and gang up with Mummy against these 'differences'. They are too judgemental, I wouldn't be able to trust them with the real me.
I love my family, and I know they do so much for me, they fight battles for me and help make my life easier but I can't trust them.
I would love a proper friend, one who I could talk to about everything, one who I could totally be myself without fear of them judging me or laughing behind my back. It would be great and the thing I long for the most. Living with my parents properly at the moment is getting more stressful and more strained. I don't think I can survive the narrow mindedness and small amount of people I actually see for another year. I want to go out and meet people, people I know I will get on with and yet my parents and sisters look at with suspicion. People who like music, art, don't follow the preppy crowd and are free to be individual and themselves. Someone who maybe I could find to trust.
Sunday 20 June 2010
Facial Hair
I am totally superficial about facial hair. I might like a guy, I might fancie a guy but if he suddenly turns up with facial hair it is a total turn off for me. There have been only two people who I have met who actually looked good looking with facial hair but even then they were better off without it. Case in point with Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice he is very good looking but would be so much better off without the sideburns. Some stubble, is sexy but only five o'clock shadow or just woken up and haven't shaved yet. Full on mustaches and beards are for me a total no go area. This is shallow of me, there are lots of really nice people with facial hair but for me there is just something about it that is a total turn off.
I have read various debates whether the physical appearance of a Dom actually matters, whether or not it is the command they project and respect they inspire that does for the trick. I don't know, I haven't met a Dom as far as I know but I do know one thing, that if I do meet a Dom, he won't have facial hair.
I do apologise to all those out there sporting hair on your faces but until you shave it off, you just don't do it for me! Not sure whether Doms would have this or not but another turn off for me just generally is a damp limp handshake, look me in the eye and give a firm controlled handshake and my estimation of you will immediately go up. Don't just hold it either as that is just so awkward and feels as if you just can't make the effort, so why should I make the effort to like you.
So facial hair and damp limp handshakes are the two main things that make me go all superficial I just can't seem to get over them!
I have read various debates whether the physical appearance of a Dom actually matters, whether or not it is the command they project and respect they inspire that does for the trick. I don't know, I haven't met a Dom as far as I know but I do know one thing, that if I do meet a Dom, he won't have facial hair.
I do apologise to all those out there sporting hair on your faces but until you shave it off, you just don't do it for me! Not sure whether Doms would have this or not but another turn off for me just generally is a damp limp handshake, look me in the eye and give a firm controlled handshake and my estimation of you will immediately go up. Don't just hold it either as that is just so awkward and feels as if you just can't make the effort, so why should I make the effort to like you.
So facial hair and damp limp handshakes are the two main things that make me go all superficial I just can't seem to get over them!
Thursday 17 June 2010
I'm back!
This past week has been a nightmare, I got a cold and my body decided to be a total hypochondriac and I was in bed for about a week and half. Feeling much better now though can't stand up for too long as everything starts to feel slightly compressed.
I have been doing a lot of reading though, and managed at last to get my laptop to accept the ebook version of The Story of O. As I live with my parents and any post I get discussed and shown with said parents and no hiding spot viable for such books I have been unable to read it thus far.
Well, it is written slightly strangely but I already knew that and once I got passed that, it was a really good read. It is nothing like I would want however, but I agree that it is a classic. I am not really sure what to say about it, I read a very good post on it the other day which did prompt me to try again. http://discerningdom.blogspot.com/2010/06/story-of-o.html
I like it, but to me that is too far. It is beautiful, but not my sort of thing. I can appreciate it but probably not fully understand the mentality needed. It made me think, it made me evaluate and it made me ponder what exactly submission means to me. Although this is very definitely submission, it is not the type of submission I can give nor the type of domination that I can take.
It is just not me, and it doesn't have to be. I love that in BDSM a label seems more to be a concept than a definition. There are so many different levels and varying degrees contained within each heading that while two people might call themselves a submissive they are in effect totally different in their attitudes to submission and yet there is an underlying commonality.
On another matter, I have had to rethink the mentor thing. I did think I was looking for one, but for now I am sticking to making some friends. If something comes up that I need advice on, then I can ask them. I talked with some people over an offer that somebody made me to become my mentor. It seemed camming and actually doing some sexual things was involved which at the moment I am not prepared for. I thought it would be someone who I went to with questions, who would maybe help me with some suggestions as to what to read etc. As to what the etc. was, I wasn't quite sure! The whole thing really made me think seriously and I have come to the conclusion that I really don't feel comfortable at the moment doing anything sexual, I don't think I am ready. If I meet someone and we get closer and it comes up then I will think again but I am happy with the status quo at the moment and think I still have some growing up to do.
It was really sad last week as I had to say goodbye to a friend who, if I had been well, would have become something more than a friend. He is going back to his own country and I will really miss him, he is coming back to England for university but I suspect we will not see each other again. Sad and a bit lonely, a lot of what might have beens, but I am now a year older and am positive that this year will be a year to reckon with.
I have been doing a lot of reading though, and managed at last to get my laptop to accept the ebook version of The Story of O. As I live with my parents and any post I get discussed and shown with said parents and no hiding spot viable for such books I have been unable to read it thus far.
Well, it is written slightly strangely but I already knew that and once I got passed that, it was a really good read. It is nothing like I would want however, but I agree that it is a classic. I am not really sure what to say about it, I read a very good post on it the other day which did prompt me to try again. http://discerningdom.blogspot.com/2010/06/story-of-o.html
I like it, but to me that is too far. It is beautiful, but not my sort of thing. I can appreciate it but probably not fully understand the mentality needed. It made me think, it made me evaluate and it made me ponder what exactly submission means to me. Although this is very definitely submission, it is not the type of submission I can give nor the type of domination that I can take.
It is just not me, and it doesn't have to be. I love that in BDSM a label seems more to be a concept than a definition. There are so many different levels and varying degrees contained within each heading that while two people might call themselves a submissive they are in effect totally different in their attitudes to submission and yet there is an underlying commonality.
On another matter, I have had to rethink the mentor thing. I did think I was looking for one, but for now I am sticking to making some friends. If something comes up that I need advice on, then I can ask them. I talked with some people over an offer that somebody made me to become my mentor. It seemed camming and actually doing some sexual things was involved which at the moment I am not prepared for. I thought it would be someone who I went to with questions, who would maybe help me with some suggestions as to what to read etc. As to what the etc. was, I wasn't quite sure! The whole thing really made me think seriously and I have come to the conclusion that I really don't feel comfortable at the moment doing anything sexual, I don't think I am ready. If I meet someone and we get closer and it comes up then I will think again but I am happy with the status quo at the moment and think I still have some growing up to do.
It was really sad last week as I had to say goodbye to a friend who, if I had been well, would have become something more than a friend. He is going back to his own country and I will really miss him, he is coming back to England for university but I suspect we will not see each other again. Sad and a bit lonely, a lot of what might have beens, but I am now a year older and am positive that this year will be a year to reckon with.
Sunday 6 June 2010
Poem
I read a book called The Imam's Daughter by Hannah Shah and it had part of this poem in it. It touched me and I had to look it up. I really like it. Here it is in its intirity:
The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Saturday 5 June 2010
Saturday 29 May 2010
Saying ow
I love being able to say ow, as a result most people think I am an absolute wimp. I make such a fuss about a stubbed toe, a paper cut, a bang on my head or small cut. I enjoy it, I love being able to say ow, to go to mummy and say this hurts, to get a hug. I like getting the sympathy for the small things.
This is not because I am wimp though, these things don't really hurt, not like the pain I have been in. It is because of this that I say ow. When I do get pain, from the Fibromyalgia or ME, it is such a deep, all encompassing pain and you never know when it is going to stop. It is at these times that you can't say ow, I feel uncomfortable getting sympathy over. This pain, is something that nothing can be done about, for a large part of my life it was a fact of life. It is something you live with, that changes you, that you have to adapt to. It can go on, intermittently for years, so saying ow just doesn't cover it.
When you body feels as if it is made of lead that has been set on fire, you have thousands of needles, knives and hammers going at you, when your insides decide to knot themselves, when for the third week in the row you have not slept a night due to your back being in such pain, this surpasses ow. You say ow at short sharp hurts, the deeper more permanent hurt changes you, you might groan, pant, even yell for a small bit, but ultimately you can't say ow, it is too small a word.
When something hurts every single day for months you can't keep asking for continuous sympathy, hugs hurt and it is something you have to bear. All too often the sympathy turns to pity which is soul destroying.
So I rejoice in being able to say ow and even more to be well enough to be able to hug my parents again, for three years it hurt too much. They still helped, I can't count the number of nights they stayed up reading to me through the night to try and distract me when the pain got particularly bad. My parents have fought so many battles for me and at the moment we have won the right for me to complain at some slight hurt.
This is not because I am wimp though, these things don't really hurt, not like the pain I have been in. It is because of this that I say ow. When I do get pain, from the Fibromyalgia or ME, it is such a deep, all encompassing pain and you never know when it is going to stop. It is at these times that you can't say ow, I feel uncomfortable getting sympathy over. This pain, is something that nothing can be done about, for a large part of my life it was a fact of life. It is something you live with, that changes you, that you have to adapt to. It can go on, intermittently for years, so saying ow just doesn't cover it.
When you body feels as if it is made of lead that has been set on fire, you have thousands of needles, knives and hammers going at you, when your insides decide to knot themselves, when for the third week in the row you have not slept a night due to your back being in such pain, this surpasses ow. You say ow at short sharp hurts, the deeper more permanent hurt changes you, you might groan, pant, even yell for a small bit, but ultimately you can't say ow, it is too small a word.
When something hurts every single day for months you can't keep asking for continuous sympathy, hugs hurt and it is something you have to bear. All too often the sympathy turns to pity which is soul destroying.
So I rejoice in being able to say ow and even more to be well enough to be able to hug my parents again, for three years it hurt too much. They still helped, I can't count the number of nights they stayed up reading to me through the night to try and distract me when the pain got particularly bad. My parents have fought so many battles for me and at the moment we have won the right for me to complain at some slight hurt.
Kneeling
Ok, OW! How do you do it so it is comfortable???? At the moment I can only last for a few minutes and even that is rather wobbly. I have never liked kneeling, I much prefer being cross-legged, I even prefer that to sitting in some chairs. It is a bit of a problem in a skirt but there are rarely things without a downside. I sit cross-legged anywhere I can, I like it when the bus is crowded as then I can sit cross-legged in the luggage rack, I am then the most comfortable person on the bus. I like sitting in small places and on the floor, especially when others are sitting above me but I have never been able to sit comfortably kneeling.
However I have rarely heard of a submissive sitting cross-legged at her dom's feet, only kneeling. When you hear of play parties or clubs, you hear of how some subs kneel at the feet of their Masters or Doms, or stand behind them, even when they are sitting. Well, I can't stand either! Well, I can, but not for very long, too long and I get a backache, old granny that I am, my hips also start to give way. So what am I going to do??!!!
I can practice kneeling but I very much doubt that I will get that much better at it, the standing thing will get better but I will never be able to for that long, my left leg is about an inch and a half shorter than my right and although this doesn't effect me normally, when I am tired it draws up even further and throws my whole body out trying to compensate. I have to be really carful with my left leg and hip, and try to exercise and stretch it every day otherwise it really hurts if I use it.
I guess there will be a way around it when the time comes but I gave myself a bit of a laugh in the mean time imagining mayself trying to kneel for my dom, and being so wobbly that I have to lunge for his leg. This was not so amusing, when I remembered my conformation, I had been mostly ill leading up to it and had none of the lessons, I literaly just turned up and was told to follow whatever the guy in front did. Horrifingly, he knelt down before the bishop, when I tried it took me two gos, smothered giggles from behind me and I nearly fell over trying to get back up again.
I am not gracful, in any sense of the word, I was renowned at school for being able to trip over thin air, and I do. When I am tired I can't walk through a closed or partially open door without walking into it, and I have numerously walked into lamposts, coloums, people, trees and posts. It is a good ice-breaker, but I do manage to get myself hurt more often than not, though it does mean I have learnt to laugh at myself and to laugh first.
i don't really know where this post is going, I would like to be more graceful, to be able to stand properly, to be able to kneel without wobbling and for it not to be painful. I would like to be able to elegantly walk down stairs, to sail through doors and not have lamposts leap out at me. But that is unlikely to happen completly, it does get better the more I do, but if I do have a dom, he is going to have to be one hell of an understanding one and willing to laugh with me, at me.
However I have rarely heard of a submissive sitting cross-legged at her dom's feet, only kneeling. When you hear of play parties or clubs, you hear of how some subs kneel at the feet of their Masters or Doms, or stand behind them, even when they are sitting. Well, I can't stand either! Well, I can, but not for very long, too long and I get a backache, old granny that I am, my hips also start to give way. So what am I going to do??!!!
I can practice kneeling but I very much doubt that I will get that much better at it, the standing thing will get better but I will never be able to for that long, my left leg is about an inch and a half shorter than my right and although this doesn't effect me normally, when I am tired it draws up even further and throws my whole body out trying to compensate. I have to be really carful with my left leg and hip, and try to exercise and stretch it every day otherwise it really hurts if I use it.
I guess there will be a way around it when the time comes but I gave myself a bit of a laugh in the mean time imagining mayself trying to kneel for my dom, and being so wobbly that I have to lunge for his leg. This was not so amusing, when I remembered my conformation, I had been mostly ill leading up to it and had none of the lessons, I literaly just turned up and was told to follow whatever the guy in front did. Horrifingly, he knelt down before the bishop, when I tried it took me two gos, smothered giggles from behind me and I nearly fell over trying to get back up again.
I am not gracful, in any sense of the word, I was renowned at school for being able to trip over thin air, and I do. When I am tired I can't walk through a closed or partially open door without walking into it, and I have numerously walked into lamposts, coloums, people, trees and posts. It is a good ice-breaker, but I do manage to get myself hurt more often than not, though it does mean I have learnt to laugh at myself and to laugh first.
i don't really know where this post is going, I would like to be more graceful, to be able to stand properly, to be able to kneel without wobbling and for it not to be painful. I would like to be able to elegantly walk down stairs, to sail through doors and not have lamposts leap out at me. But that is unlikely to happen completly, it does get better the more I do, but if I do have a dom, he is going to have to be one hell of an understanding one and willing to laugh with me, at me.
Monday 24 May 2010
Moments
Sometimes, moments in life are just so good! Today was one of them, hot weather, a promising start on a tan and two lengths underwater achieved. A walk and 10 proper lengths of the pool increased my excercise yet again and I do not feel that tired. Compared to four days ago, when the day was spent in bed, life is amazing. I feel happy, confident and alive. I love feeling happy, it is one of the best feelings. Playing with my dog today, just rolling around and having fun, just relaxing, enjoying life. It is the simple pleasures that makes life so worth it!
God bless you all, for today he blessed me! (If your not religious then let life bless you!)
God bless you all, for today he blessed me! (If your not religious then let life bless you!)
Sunday 23 May 2010
Photography
I have so many erotic photography ideas floating around in my head. I went to see a contemporary dance performance before christmas and the play of light over disturbingly positioned bodies just made me want to whip my camera out. I would love to have a play around with a model or two and just see if I could recreate some of these ideas. Yes, some of them I just want to recreate the pictures I have seen, but others I dream about, this is fustrating as other pieces of art work that I have dreamed about I have been able to create, they didn't envolve having to get someone else in.
Photography though is more difficult, the pictures I can't set up just sit there in my brain niggling at me. I have this one, which is of a pair of feet, they are walking over broken coloured glass - green like a beer bottle, one is mostly flat and the other is just being lifted up, from that sole is a piece of glass sticking out and a drop of blood rolling down towards the sole, down the delcate arch of the foot. On the other ankle you can see a bruised abrasion like it has been cuffed. This image has been in my brain for four years and my bank of images has only been growing. The image I described is rather disturbing and not erotic but goes with a poem I wrote about the same time.
The female body is just so beautiful, the lines and curves, the soft skin and yet sometimes hard angles of bones. The arch of a spine, the careless placement of a flung arm, the tension in the neck as arms are drawn together up the back, the dip of the head while kneeling, and the glint of sliver around a neck, wrist, ankle or waist. So many options, probably done before and yet I yearn to try. One day I will, maybe I will start with my feet, I will sort through my dreams tonight and see what I can come up with.
Photography though is more difficult, the pictures I can't set up just sit there in my brain niggling at me. I have this one, which is of a pair of feet, they are walking over broken coloured glass - green like a beer bottle, one is mostly flat and the other is just being lifted up, from that sole is a piece of glass sticking out and a drop of blood rolling down towards the sole, down the delcate arch of the foot. On the other ankle you can see a bruised abrasion like it has been cuffed. This image has been in my brain for four years and my bank of images has only been growing. The image I described is rather disturbing and not erotic but goes with a poem I wrote about the same time.
The female body is just so beautiful, the lines and curves, the soft skin and yet sometimes hard angles of bones. The arch of a spine, the careless placement of a flung arm, the tension in the neck as arms are drawn together up the back, the dip of the head while kneeling, and the glint of sliver around a neck, wrist, ankle or waist. So many options, probably done before and yet I yearn to try. One day I will, maybe I will start with my feet, I will sort through my dreams tonight and see what I can come up with.
Saturday 22 May 2010
Knees, life and tanning
I have done something stupid, I am sitting here with knees that are screaming at me. Today was so nice that all I have done is sunbath and be in the pool. But when I was in the pool I started imagining and my mind wondered, I pretended I had found my dom and that he wanted me to kneel, so I practised kneeling and getting up gracefully in the pool. I can't do it out of the pool so thought the water would help, then as I was day dreaming I wondered about the shallowend on my knees. Result is that my knees are red raw and objecting loudly to the aloe vera jelly I have liberally applied. Is my body wet or what??! I shudder to thing what they would be like if I had done it on the ground/floor, at least it was lino and water. Maybe I should build it up to stop them being so pathetic!
This week has been so up and down, been in bed for a couple of days and the rest I have been feeling really quite well but with no inclination to do anything at all. Added to that is a diet change, this includes having to eat 7-8 servings of vegatables a day which results in a lot of chopping having to be done! Very boring but will hopefully help my adrenal glands which are apparently not very good. What I would like to know is the name of one of my body parts that does its job properly and feel well!
I am not complaining as I feel quite well at the moment and I am loving the weather and being able to swim again and just laze around in the pool. So relaxing, only thing though is Mummy is doing this new diet too and she has been taken off caffine and sugar, that makes for a person to stay well clear of! I shouldn't laugh or complain as I did the same when I was taken of sugar years ago but a grumpy mummy can reck more havoc than a grumpy pre-teen.
Feeling so relaxed about life at the moment, not in a hurry to make any descisions about where I am going, the only problem is that I am much better when at home, but in order to actually have a social life and maybe explore meeting other doms and subs, I need to live away from home. Trying to think of how I can have a balance but failing.
Trying very hard to get a tan without burning, but have already had a mishap as used some body lotion yesterday and completly didn't see it was a gradual fake tan one I had bought about a year ago. I now have rather funny elbows and patchwork wrists!
This week has been so up and down, been in bed for a couple of days and the rest I have been feeling really quite well but with no inclination to do anything at all. Added to that is a diet change, this includes having to eat 7-8 servings of vegatables a day which results in a lot of chopping having to be done! Very boring but will hopefully help my adrenal glands which are apparently not very good. What I would like to know is the name of one of my body parts that does its job properly and feel well!
I am not complaining as I feel quite well at the moment and I am loving the weather and being able to swim again and just laze around in the pool. So relaxing, only thing though is Mummy is doing this new diet too and she has been taken off caffine and sugar, that makes for a person to stay well clear of! I shouldn't laugh or complain as I did the same when I was taken of sugar years ago but a grumpy mummy can reck more havoc than a grumpy pre-teen.
Feeling so relaxed about life at the moment, not in a hurry to make any descisions about where I am going, the only problem is that I am much better when at home, but in order to actually have a social life and maybe explore meeting other doms and subs, I need to live away from home. Trying to think of how I can have a balance but failing.
Trying very hard to get a tan without burning, but have already had a mishap as used some body lotion yesterday and completly didn't see it was a gradual fake tan one I had bought about a year ago. I now have rather funny elbows and patchwork wrists!
Saturday 15 May 2010
Illness, growing and birthdays!
This week has got worse and worse, my fibromyalgia has been playing up and even my toes hurt! No baths either as plumbing a bit dodgy. I have spent a lot of time reading though, I found some websites about general bdsm, 101 type things as well as reading more topics on fetlife.
Well it seems I am more open to things than I originaly thought, some things I have previously thought no way, I am thinking I would like to try once. I like to try things, sometimes I am a wimp but when confronted with something difficult I hate the feelings after if I haven't tried something more than if I fail at it.
I think this is a good thing, as once I start I need somewhere to go, to grow, if I have only a certain amount of things I am willing to do then it is rather like putting a box around myself. I would like to have concentric circles, green on the inside - things I like and are willing to do, yellow next - thing I am willing to try but am not sure about, orange next - things I am doubtful about but with the right person might be willing to try once, and then red - things I will not do.
Reading around this seems to be the right thing to do.
My birthday is coming up soon and I am hoping that I feel well enough that I can meet up with some friends. Very wierd to thing I am entering my last year as a teenager, next time I have a birthday I will be 20, that always seemed so old when I was younger, mind you so did 18!
Have had three offers so far for mentorship but have declined all of them, something niggled, or looking at their profiles and posts I just didn't think we clicked. Trying to be very sensible and think I have been so far. It has been especially great to find out there is a group about Fibromyalgia and kink, several in fact and one about ME. Talk about having everything! It has been reasurring to see how people manage to have an active lifestyle while still suffering with various illnesses.
I am feeling more positive about finding someone who I like and is comfortable taking on someone with quite a few difficulties. I am not looking but not feeling, who would want me anymore.
Well it seems I am more open to things than I originaly thought, some things I have previously thought no way, I am thinking I would like to try once. I like to try things, sometimes I am a wimp but when confronted with something difficult I hate the feelings after if I haven't tried something more than if I fail at it.
I think this is a good thing, as once I start I need somewhere to go, to grow, if I have only a certain amount of things I am willing to do then it is rather like putting a box around myself. I would like to have concentric circles, green on the inside - things I like and are willing to do, yellow next - thing I am willing to try but am not sure about, orange next - things I am doubtful about but with the right person might be willing to try once, and then red - things I will not do.
Reading around this seems to be the right thing to do.
My birthday is coming up soon and I am hoping that I feel well enough that I can meet up with some friends. Very wierd to thing I am entering my last year as a teenager, next time I have a birthday I will be 20, that always seemed so old when I was younger, mind you so did 18!
Have had three offers so far for mentorship but have declined all of them, something niggled, or looking at their profiles and posts I just didn't think we clicked. Trying to be very sensible and think I have been so far. It has been especially great to find out there is a group about Fibromyalgia and kink, several in fact and one about ME. Talk about having everything! It has been reasurring to see how people manage to have an active lifestyle while still suffering with various illnesses.
I am feeling more positive about finding someone who I like and is comfortable taking on someone with quite a few difficulties. I am not looking but not feeling, who would want me anymore.
Tuesday 11 May 2010
Experiences
Just want to say thank you to Florida Dom, the website kimdebron.tripod.com that he recommended is packed with information, and I really enjoyed reading it. It was interesting to read about her collar ceremony, living 24/7, the role of a mentor and general etiquette. All the articles were a fascinating insight so thank you!
Fetlife is full of posts, but it is hard to sieve through them, a lot say the same thing while others are just so varied.
One point that I have recently come across is that in England BDSM seems to be effectivly illegal. Despite giving my consent, a dom can be prosecuted for 'abusing me' and I, by consenting could even be an accomplase? Not quite sure if this is completly right but it is certainly interesting.
It has been great to read about other peoples experiences, mainly with discovering or realising that they are submissive, so many things ring a bell it is reasurring. Sometimes I think maybe I am overstating my case, the difference between reading and fantasizing about something and it actually happening are huge. While I might think I might like something, I well may not. But to hear common 'flags' is comforting, there are other people basing their judgement of themselves within this lifestyle on the same things.
People have been really friendly and helpful so far, it has been really great.
Fetlife is full of posts, but it is hard to sieve through them, a lot say the same thing while others are just so varied.
One point that I have recently come across is that in England BDSM seems to be effectivly illegal. Despite giving my consent, a dom can be prosecuted for 'abusing me' and I, by consenting could even be an accomplase? Not quite sure if this is completly right but it is certainly interesting.
It has been great to read about other peoples experiences, mainly with discovering or realising that they are submissive, so many things ring a bell it is reasurring. Sometimes I think maybe I am overstating my case, the difference between reading and fantasizing about something and it actually happening are huge. While I might think I might like something, I well may not. But to hear common 'flags' is comforting, there are other people basing their judgement of themselves within this lifestyle on the same things.
People have been really friendly and helpful so far, it has been really great.
Sunday 9 May 2010
Big D
Just a quick post. While spell checking my previous post it highlighted that I had written Dom with a small 'd', it seems even in spell check they demand a capital!
Knowledge and realities
At last finally feeling a bit better, things should be on the up. I am going to be doing a lot of reading tonight, I found a list of things for a beginner to read on the blog A Submissive's Musings and after I have written this I am off to read my way thorugh all of them. I don't believe you can ever have too much knowledge, if I want to do something or go somewhere I am one of those people who will read about it insesintly both beforehand and during.
I love reading, it is such an escape, when I am feeling grotty and lying in the same bed, in the the same room for yet another week, I can open a book and disappear into another reality. Unfortunatly I am a quick reader, when my mind is alright but my body isn't I can get through 4/5 books a day. I admit they aren't all classics and quite a few are trashy but it still presents a problem. I run out of books. It is ok when I am up and about as I can go to the library. When I am not though it tends to get trickier.
I have recently been classed as disabled on my library card, this means no late fines and no reservation charges. It is a mixed godsend. I hate being labled as disabled as I don't believe I am, but the amount of money that can run up is astronomical, luckily I have a friend in the library who has always let me off before but now it is official.
It was however an almost crushing blow, sinc I was 9 people have been telling me i will grow out of it, it will go, it will only last a couple of years, etc. yet here I am 10 years later being classed as disabled. Sometime I think that there is no point in thinking about being a sub, when I don't even know where my life is going in the next 6 months. It looks ever more likely that I am going to be at home for at least another year, not like I hoped until September.
There was this guy that I met before Christmas and I really liked him, we met a few time at group events and then one day he texted me, drunk, asking if I would be his girlfriend. I said no, as I have only met you 3 times but I would like to get to know you better. He took me to see a meauseam and out to lunch - my first date!, since then though I have been ill, I have spoken to him a couple of time and seen him once.
I am upset as I had a chance to get to know a guy, to maybe have a boyfriend for the first time. Yet another thing stolen from me by this ME. It is sometimes such a struggle to yearn for normal things in life let alone out of the odinary stuff. It is hard to see the bright side, to keep positive, to believe that my time is coming, that hopefully my biggest worry is being a submissive and finding a dom. Until that day I have to find some way to combine the two, the lifestyle worries are my little normal reality worries, that I can relish. The ME stuff, I will just have to keep plugging through.
Life has to be on the up, that is my way - onwards and upwards.
I love reading, it is such an escape, when I am feeling grotty and lying in the same bed, in the the same room for yet another week, I can open a book and disappear into another reality. Unfortunatly I am a quick reader, when my mind is alright but my body isn't I can get through 4/5 books a day. I admit they aren't all classics and quite a few are trashy but it still presents a problem. I run out of books. It is ok when I am up and about as I can go to the library. When I am not though it tends to get trickier.
I have recently been classed as disabled on my library card, this means no late fines and no reservation charges. It is a mixed godsend. I hate being labled as disabled as I don't believe I am, but the amount of money that can run up is astronomical, luckily I have a friend in the library who has always let me off before but now it is official.
It was however an almost crushing blow, sinc I was 9 people have been telling me i will grow out of it, it will go, it will only last a couple of years, etc. yet here I am 10 years later being classed as disabled. Sometime I think that there is no point in thinking about being a sub, when I don't even know where my life is going in the next 6 months. It looks ever more likely that I am going to be at home for at least another year, not like I hoped until September.
There was this guy that I met before Christmas and I really liked him, we met a few time at group events and then one day he texted me, drunk, asking if I would be his girlfriend. I said no, as I have only met you 3 times but I would like to get to know you better. He took me to see a meauseam and out to lunch - my first date!, since then though I have been ill, I have spoken to him a couple of time and seen him once.
I am upset as I had a chance to get to know a guy, to maybe have a boyfriend for the first time. Yet another thing stolen from me by this ME. It is sometimes such a struggle to yearn for normal things in life let alone out of the odinary stuff. It is hard to see the bright side, to keep positive, to believe that my time is coming, that hopefully my biggest worry is being a submissive and finding a dom. Until that day I have to find some way to combine the two, the lifestyle worries are my little normal reality worries, that I can relish. The ME stuff, I will just have to keep plugging through.
Life has to be on the up, that is my way - onwards and upwards.
Friday 7 May 2010
Questions and humour
Previous post asked for suggestion about chatrooms, well I did not know that a website I belonged to already had a chatroom and I have joined Fetlife. At the moment that is all I have done as I did it late last night and didn't have time to explore much. Today I have been in bed as my ME is kicking up again so have only just got onto my computer.
Well I did explore one post and could not stop giggling, I think this was laugh out loud funny so I had to stop reading in case my parents had come in!
Things You Will Never Hear A Sub Say To Their Master/Mistress
How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to put your leather pants in the washer?
Yeah, right... SPANK THIS!
Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right?
God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you!
And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle?
Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps?
Spanking? I-THINK-NOT!
Who died and left you in charge?
You missed a spot!
Do your own damn laundry!
What do I look like, your maid?
In the middle of an intense flogging, close your eyes and snore.
When ordered to "Look me in the eyes!" do it cross-eyed.
During a public verbal humiliation scene, stick your fingers in your ears and say "Nanah, nanah, I can't hear you!"
Decorate your top's leathers with neon polka dots and stripes.
Put a whoopie cushion in your top's chair.
Use the toy bag for dirty laundry and forget to switch the contents before the next play party.
Stick an Alka-Seltzer in your mouth at the start of a scene. Work up a good foam, and call out your safe word.
Sing or text while being cropped.
Tell your top you can't count because your hands are tied up and you can't see your fingers.
Get a wig that matches your regular hair perfectly and watch your top's face when it comes off in his/her hand.
Take messages for your top by writing them on post-its and sticking them on your rear.
Give your top pointers on how to do it better.
Send your top an invoice for your services.
Superglue the nipple clamps shut.
Starch the floggers.
Attach "clappers" to all the lights in the dungeon just before a paddling.
Or, just use any of these phrases: "Who died and left you in charge?" "In your dreams!" "Yeah, right."
More Sub Humor
Humor for those who have spent a little time in the dungeons of D/s :)
A sub's Blackboard Lessons
I will not carve my name on the flogger handles.
I will not spank others without Master's permission.
I will not aim for Master's head. (the upper one)
I will not yell the Safeword in the grocery store.
I will not sell the names of my newsgroup list to National Enquirer.
I will not read and giggle at Master's logs from the Dom Forum.
I will not yell fire every time Master lights a candle.
Funny noises are not really funny, and I will not laugh when Master farts during a scene.
I will not slap Master with my bra.
Punishment is not boring or pointless.
I will not call Master "Dr. Death".
I will not put laxatives in the candy bowl before Master's D/s party.
I will not hide the newbies or send them Snipe Dom hunting.
I will not bring sheep to the subbie forum.
A burp is not an appropriate response to Master.
I will not eat all Master's M & M's while he is at work.
I will not yell "She's tied up!" at the subbie forum.
Master's Gags are not to be used to keep the children quiet nor to be used as pot holders.
I will not call Master "spud head", "butt head" or any kind of "head".
Masters ARE perfect. (sorta)
Mud is not an acceptable side dish for dinner for Master.
I will NOT wear panties.
I will not peek out of the blindfold. (much)
There is no such thing as "sub immunity".
I will not sneak in the bathroom when I don't have permission.
I did not win an Emmy for my last session.
I will not hide all Master's toys.
All play and no work does not a good sub make.
I will not say "Oh, Master you're the bestest and biggest" just to get a spanking.
I will not scare the newbies by telling them ALL REAL subs like bullwhips.
I will refrain from saying "Heil Hitler!" when I don't like Master's orders.
I will not remind Master daily of our 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 yr. anniversary.
I will not use Master's bondage table for a skateboard ramp or a slide into the pool.
I will not wear Master's underwear on my head !!
I will not tell Master his feet stink when he commands me to BOOTS! (even tho they do!)
I will not use the pages from Master's Dom Handbook to start the grill.
I will not giggle uncontrollably when the cat decides to "help" Master.
Nor will I remind him that he is Sub for the Cat.
I will ATTEMPT not to laugh when the son remarks that he heard "slapping" noises and got up to see where they were coming from.
I will faithfully remember that washing Masters shorts with my red sweatshirt is not a good thing to do.
I will try to remember that Masters are allowed to snore. (and subs are allowed earplugs?)
I will not cut and paste my Master's IMs to the chat room
"All the other Dom's let their subs do it" is not a valid reason (even tho they had fun doing it)
I will not giggle when my Master is lecturing me.
I will not get my subbie friends into trouble, as they are capable of doing that on their own. (well.... taboo!)
I will not refer to my Master as "Cute", when he is angry (even tho he is)
I will not flash my Master when he is playing Jenga
Patience is not something found in hospitals.
"Ow, that hurt" is not my safeword.
I will not suggest that we paint the ceiling beige when I am bound on my back.
While doing a scene, I will not bring it to Mistress's attention that; Her mustache needs shaving again.
I will NOT sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play.
In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.
When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
Ok so I would not have the courage to do most of these! But can you imagine faces if you did?! Comment in brakets are not me!
My only problem now is it is all very well to say i would like to get to know some people and find out more about the lifestyle but I don't know what I need to know. I am not saying I know it all because I don't, it is just that I don't think I know enough to ask the questions let alone know the answers. So what do I need to know and find out? What questions? However I think fetlife is going to be really useful, there looks to be lots of useful posts that I can read.
Well I did explore one post and could not stop giggling, I think this was laugh out loud funny so I had to stop reading in case my parents had come in!
Things You Will Never Hear A Sub Say To Their Master/Mistress
How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to put your leather pants in the washer?
Yeah, right... SPANK THIS!
Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right?
God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you!
And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle?
Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps?
Spanking? I-THINK-NOT!
Who died and left you in charge?
You missed a spot!
Do your own damn laundry!
What do I look like, your maid?
In the middle of an intense flogging, close your eyes and snore.
When ordered to "Look me in the eyes!" do it cross-eyed.
During a public verbal humiliation scene, stick your fingers in your ears and say "Nanah, nanah, I can't hear you!"
Decorate your top's leathers with neon polka dots and stripes.
Put a whoopie cushion in your top's chair.
Use the toy bag for dirty laundry and forget to switch the contents before the next play party.
Stick an Alka-Seltzer in your mouth at the start of a scene. Work up a good foam, and call out your safe word.
Sing or text while being cropped.
Tell your top you can't count because your hands are tied up and you can't see your fingers.
Get a wig that matches your regular hair perfectly and watch your top's face when it comes off in his/her hand.
Take messages for your top by writing them on post-its and sticking them on your rear.
Give your top pointers on how to do it better.
Send your top an invoice for your services.
Superglue the nipple clamps shut.
Starch the floggers.
Attach "clappers" to all the lights in the dungeon just before a paddling.
Or, just use any of these phrases: "Who died and left you in charge?" "In your dreams!" "Yeah, right."
More Sub Humor
Humor for those who have spent a little time in the dungeons of D/s :)
A sub's Blackboard Lessons
I will not carve my name on the flogger handles.
I will not spank others without Master's permission.
I will not aim for Master's head. (the upper one)
I will not yell the Safeword in the grocery store.
I will not sell the names of my newsgroup list to National Enquirer.
I will not read and giggle at Master's logs from the Dom Forum.
I will not yell fire every time Master lights a candle.
Funny noises are not really funny, and I will not laugh when Master farts during a scene.
I will not slap Master with my bra.
Punishment is not boring or pointless.
I will not call Master "Dr. Death".
I will not put laxatives in the candy bowl before Master's D/s party.
I will not hide the newbies or send them Snipe Dom hunting.
I will not bring sheep to the subbie forum.
A burp is not an appropriate response to Master.
I will not eat all Master's M & M's while he is at work.
I will not yell "She's tied up!" at the subbie forum.
Master's Gags are not to be used to keep the children quiet nor to be used as pot holders.
I will not call Master "spud head", "butt head" or any kind of "head".
Masters ARE perfect. (sorta)
Mud is not an acceptable side dish for dinner for Master.
I will NOT wear panties.
I will not peek out of the blindfold. (much)
There is no such thing as "sub immunity".
I will not sneak in the bathroom when I don't have permission.
I did not win an Emmy for my last session.
I will not hide all Master's toys.
All play and no work does not a good sub make.
I will not say "Oh, Master you're the bestest and biggest" just to get a spanking.
I will not scare the newbies by telling them ALL REAL subs like bullwhips.
I will refrain from saying "Heil Hitler!" when I don't like Master's orders.
I will not remind Master daily of our 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 yr. anniversary.
I will not use Master's bondage table for a skateboard ramp or a slide into the pool.
I will not wear Master's underwear on my head !!
I will not tell Master his feet stink when he commands me to BOOTS! (even tho they do!)
I will not use the pages from Master's Dom Handbook to start the grill.
I will not giggle uncontrollably when the cat decides to "help" Master.
Nor will I remind him that he is Sub for the Cat.
I will ATTEMPT not to laugh when the son remarks that he heard "slapping" noises and got up to see where they were coming from.
I will faithfully remember that washing Masters shorts with my red sweatshirt is not a good thing to do.
I will try to remember that Masters are allowed to snore. (and subs are allowed earplugs?)
I will not cut and paste my Master's IMs to the chat room
"All the other Dom's let their subs do it" is not a valid reason (even tho they had fun doing it)
I will not giggle when my Master is lecturing me.
I will not get my subbie friends into trouble, as they are capable of doing that on their own. (well.... taboo!)
I will not refer to my Master as "Cute", when he is angry (even tho he is)
I will not flash my Master when he is playing Jenga
Patience is not something found in hospitals.
"Ow, that hurt" is not my safeword.
I will not suggest that we paint the ceiling beige when I am bound on my back.
While doing a scene, I will not bring it to Mistress's attention that; Her mustache needs shaving again.
I will NOT sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play.
In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.
When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
Ok so I would not have the courage to do most of these! But can you imagine faces if you did?! Comment in brakets are not me!
My only problem now is it is all very well to say i would like to get to know some people and find out more about the lifestyle but I don't know what I need to know. I am not saying I know it all because I don't, it is just that I don't think I know enough to ask the questions let alone know the answers. So what do I need to know and find out? What questions? However I think fetlife is going to be really useful, there looks to be lots of useful posts that I can read.
Thursday 6 May 2010
Chat rooms, Openness and Confidence
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Wednesday 5 May 2010
Babies
I have come to a decision. My virginity is not a problem nor is it something to be bestowed on another. Thus what will be will be, making loosing it into a special event will make me nervous, throwing it away I will regret. I trust in myself not to get into either of those positions and to let life flow. Very zen I think, how long it will last is another matter!
I have lately been thinking about another matter. Babies. Not now and not soon but someday I want them. Desperatly. However, as with most things in my life this is going to be complicated or at least has me worrying a bit now. First is whether I will be able to get pregnant, my mother had seven miscarrages in total and due o a drug I was on for three years when I was 10 my chances went down even further. My hormones are also up the creek and I have to be very careful about what I put into my body, so any injections to help are probably ruled out.
Now research surgests that my ME will probably be great during my pregnancy but be worst afterwards. I could be different but. Then there is having the baby, I do not react well to anasetic, nor to long periods of pain. Exhaustion is also different for me and I wonder if I could do something so exhausting for most women when I can't even run 100meters without repercussion.
Then there is the possibility that they themselves could have ME, it isn't a life threatening illness, but I don't want them to have it. So many ifs here and so far in the future but watching some programmes with children in just looks so tiring. Will I be able to pick up my own child? I can't even lift 3 litres of water.
I guess it is too early to start worrying but I just get these wave of thoughts when I look at babies and small children. I am so lucky that I have a chance to have children when so many people don't but right at this moment it is like when I am in pain and try to think that the bright side is that I am not dying. It just doesn't work, sometimes I complain for me and what I am feeling and comparing it to someone else just does not seem fair to my emotions. I am not them and they are not me.
It helps most of the time but at times like these, when things just seem to catch at you, nothing helps and all you can do is wallow for a bit and then get on with your life.
I have lately been thinking about another matter. Babies. Not now and not soon but someday I want them. Desperatly. However, as with most things in my life this is going to be complicated or at least has me worrying a bit now. First is whether I will be able to get pregnant, my mother had seven miscarrages in total and due o a drug I was on for three years when I was 10 my chances went down even further. My hormones are also up the creek and I have to be very careful about what I put into my body, so any injections to help are probably ruled out.
Now research surgests that my ME will probably be great during my pregnancy but be worst afterwards. I could be different but. Then there is having the baby, I do not react well to anasetic, nor to long periods of pain. Exhaustion is also different for me and I wonder if I could do something so exhausting for most women when I can't even run 100meters without repercussion.
Then there is the possibility that they themselves could have ME, it isn't a life threatening illness, but I don't want them to have it. So many ifs here and so far in the future but watching some programmes with children in just looks so tiring. Will I be able to pick up my own child? I can't even lift 3 litres of water.
I guess it is too early to start worrying but I just get these wave of thoughts when I look at babies and small children. I am so lucky that I have a chance to have children when so many people don't but right at this moment it is like when I am in pain and try to think that the bright side is that I am not dying. It just doesn't work, sometimes I complain for me and what I am feeling and comparing it to someone else just does not seem fair to my emotions. I am not them and they are not me.
It helps most of the time but at times like these, when things just seem to catch at you, nothing helps and all you can do is wallow for a bit and then get on with your life.
Tuesday 4 May 2010
A blend
Is it too much to ask to have a blend, I love chocolate but could not go forever without vanilla. My favourite ice-cream is choc-chip cookie dough, vanilla ice-cream with exciting bits. I want to be a sub but that does not mean I am only interested in sex and submitting. I am a girl, I want to get to know the guy, go see a film with him, have him take me out, go to a museum together, go for a walk together. Not hello, nice to meet you, do you want me to slam my cock into you ass while you masturbate.
That is all very well, but I am still a virgin, hello? A little subtlety would be appreciated here. I don't think I have ever masturbated properly so that approach is just going to get me bright red, stammering, thinking help get me out of here. The first time I want to know the guy, like any other person would expect. A one night stand might sound fun but I am not a girl who sleeps with someone on the first date, I don't even know if I am the type to kiss on a first date.
And that is the trouble with me, I am hopelessly old fashioned in this regard, which sometimes come at a total opposite to other wants. I am a Gemini (not that I really believe in stars but it is a handy excuse) I seem to have two personalities that conflict with each other, I believe I can make them align but it is difficult.
Most vanilla people don't have as many scruples as I do, and I have not come across a non sexually experienced person into BDSM yet so I can't know about them. In this day and age virginity does not seem something that people are proud of generally, it doesn't even seem to matter. I am not waiting until I get married and I am not particularly attached to it but the longer I am one the more confused I get.
I want to have sex, don't get me wrong but at the same time I like being a virgin. I don't know why, it does not do anything for me, nobody walking past me on the streets knows but yet I do. I feel I am still so young, that something will change. I have in many regards been slow to grow up, in others I had to grow up very quickly. My room is still covered in posters and cut out pictures, complete with horses and Winnie the pooh (I know just a bit embarrasing talking about it but i like my bedroom as it is plus the bluetack that would remain means it would need a serious paint job!). Yet I also have pieces of modern sculpture, some canvases with beach paintings and lots of books.
This clash of child and adult will sort itself out slowly, I am still a teenager for another year and I am not wishing that away. In some respects I would like to not loose my virginity when I am a teenager. In others that seems too planned and if I meet the right person, and it feels right and I feel ready then what will be will be.
For now I will just go with what I feel, and that is that I am not ready, if I am so confused about it then I am not. I am not going to go out there and try to purposefully lose it as if I am ashamed because I am not. I have to respect myself and believe in myself and what I feel is right, the minute I start not to is the time when things will go wrong and I might end up in a bad situation. So I wait until I find someone who is the right blend to tempt me to take a bite!
That is all very well, but I am still a virgin, hello? A little subtlety would be appreciated here. I don't think I have ever masturbated properly so that approach is just going to get me bright red, stammering, thinking help get me out of here. The first time I want to know the guy, like any other person would expect. A one night stand might sound fun but I am not a girl who sleeps with someone on the first date, I don't even know if I am the type to kiss on a first date.
And that is the trouble with me, I am hopelessly old fashioned in this regard, which sometimes come at a total opposite to other wants. I am a Gemini (not that I really believe in stars but it is a handy excuse) I seem to have two personalities that conflict with each other, I believe I can make them align but it is difficult.
Most vanilla people don't have as many scruples as I do, and I have not come across a non sexually experienced person into BDSM yet so I can't know about them. In this day and age virginity does not seem something that people are proud of generally, it doesn't even seem to matter. I am not waiting until I get married and I am not particularly attached to it but the longer I am one the more confused I get.
I want to have sex, don't get me wrong but at the same time I like being a virgin. I don't know why, it does not do anything for me, nobody walking past me on the streets knows but yet I do. I feel I am still so young, that something will change. I have in many regards been slow to grow up, in others I had to grow up very quickly. My room is still covered in posters and cut out pictures, complete with horses and Winnie the pooh (I know just a bit embarrasing talking about it but i like my bedroom as it is plus the bluetack that would remain means it would need a serious paint job!). Yet I also have pieces of modern sculpture, some canvases with beach paintings and lots of books.
This clash of child and adult will sort itself out slowly, I am still a teenager for another year and I am not wishing that away. In some respects I would like to not loose my virginity when I am a teenager. In others that seems too planned and if I meet the right person, and it feels right and I feel ready then what will be will be.
For now I will just go with what I feel, and that is that I am not ready, if I am so confused about it then I am not. I am not going to go out there and try to purposefully lose it as if I am ashamed because I am not. I have to respect myself and believe in myself and what I feel is right, the minute I start not to is the time when things will go wrong and I might end up in a bad situation. So I wait until I find someone who is the right blend to tempt me to take a bite!
Monday 3 May 2010
First follower
Okay, silly little dance going on here. I have a follower!!!!!! Alright so I did ask as Jayne has a really good blog - link at top of page just under the header, it is absolutly full with other peoples blogs like me! I was finding it a bit hard to find other blogs talking about a submissive lifestyle but here was nirvana! Uh, so yeah a very small and silly post due to my first follower pathetic but hey!
An eye-opener
Today I read An Owned Life by Dennis Najee, it was an eye opener and had some really good points. Although I am not interested in that level of this lifestyle it helped me see that before I start anything I have to get me in order first. I have to be able to commit and submit to this lifestyle first before trying to find a Dom. It was also nice to know that I am not the only one terrified by that thought, finding a Dom, it is all very well but there are so many pitfalls.
How do you find the right guy let alone the right Dom, you have to avoid all the armature's and predators and find someone who is right for you. Using common sense is a huge must and yet for me my common sense tells me that it is very unlikely that I will find anyone online. It is too easy to be dishonest, I know full well that there are many success stories but there are so many more failures and my upbringing shouts no.
My upbringing is something I have to fight against, they would say that BDSM is wrong and unnatural, I do not agree. And yet my parents are a huge part of my life and I am very close to my family, if I can not bring someone home to meet the family then I will assume that they are the wrong person for me. I have to be happy that my family will accept them and our relationship, so coming home with a 40 year old man with children is not going to happen. Quite rightly too as I doubt this man would be right for me.
So how much can I rely on my upbringing to help my instincts? Are chat rooms dangerous? Yes, they are if you do not use the right amount of common sense and this is what I will have to do as I am not in a position to meet anyone in real life at the moment. I think a munch would be better but if I found a mentor online and chatted to some other subs that would surely help me in real life.
I have made some semi rules for myself that I think are sensible. They are - No real name in chat rooms, only after a while in IM, after I get to know them a bit better. No picture for at least four weeks of communicating. No mention of nearby locations to my home. No giving out of mobile number until I feel comfortable. Anyone who pressures me about these, who does not believe in safe words and who wants to meet in real life after only a couple of times communicating is not someone to continue talking with. And I am not interested in becoming a sub to a particular person, I want advice and mentor-ship, not ownership.
While this might be a bit paranoid I think sticking to these guidelines will help me be firm and weed out most of the unsuitable people. Other than that, trust my instincts and anything that shouts wrong to me, any dishonesty that gets found out is an automatic red flag. I would not be this cynical in real life or unforgiving in a vanilla situation but I believe I should be extra careful the Internet is a wonderful place for untrustworthy people.
How do you find the right guy let alone the right Dom, you have to avoid all the armature's and predators and find someone who is right for you. Using common sense is a huge must and yet for me my common sense tells me that it is very unlikely that I will find anyone online. It is too easy to be dishonest, I know full well that there are many success stories but there are so many more failures and my upbringing shouts no.
My upbringing is something I have to fight against, they would say that BDSM is wrong and unnatural, I do not agree. And yet my parents are a huge part of my life and I am very close to my family, if I can not bring someone home to meet the family then I will assume that they are the wrong person for me. I have to be happy that my family will accept them and our relationship, so coming home with a 40 year old man with children is not going to happen. Quite rightly too as I doubt this man would be right for me.
So how much can I rely on my upbringing to help my instincts? Are chat rooms dangerous? Yes, they are if you do not use the right amount of common sense and this is what I will have to do as I am not in a position to meet anyone in real life at the moment. I think a munch would be better but if I found a mentor online and chatted to some other subs that would surely help me in real life.
I have made some semi rules for myself that I think are sensible. They are - No real name in chat rooms, only after a while in IM, after I get to know them a bit better. No picture for at least four weeks of communicating. No mention of nearby locations to my home. No giving out of mobile number until I feel comfortable. Anyone who pressures me about these, who does not believe in safe words and who wants to meet in real life after only a couple of times communicating is not someone to continue talking with. And I am not interested in becoming a sub to a particular person, I want advice and mentor-ship, not ownership.
While this might be a bit paranoid I think sticking to these guidelines will help me be firm and weed out most of the unsuitable people. Other than that, trust my instincts and anything that shouts wrong to me, any dishonesty that gets found out is an automatic red flag. I would not be this cynical in real life or unforgiving in a vanilla situation but I believe I should be extra careful the Internet is a wonderful place for untrustworthy people.
Sunday 2 May 2010
Saturday 1 May 2010
More than sex
BDSM and D/s is more that just sex, it is a mindset and a way of life, I don’t think I could do it online, it may start off that way – getting to know each other, but for me the actual physical domination is what I crave that mentality that can occur when you are faced with someone bigger and more powerful than you are and fully aware of it. That sense of vunerability, an edge of fear and yet trust that they will not harm you more than you can handle. I want to feel like a woman and for that I need a man who is male, an alpha male.
At the same time I know that although it turns me on and intrigues me the lifestyle of a Master and slave is not for me, maybe for a couple of day but not for life. I want to be equal in all areas apart from our sex life but I also want a dominant man, one who will stand up to me, will not let me win an argument just for the sake of peace, one who will take care of DIY and traditional male stuff. On the other hand I would like a job but preferably to keep me interested not to provide monetary income. This I know will be unlikely in this day and age but a compromise would be that he earnt more than me. A man that I would want to cook for, make him feel comfortable and relaxed but who would not object to cooking himself or opening doors for me.
I am 18, what can I say, I want the best of both worlds as I see it, it is a dream that is unlikey to become reality but I won’t stop wishing. I believe feminisim has gone too far and so many men are just so wimpy and women too aggressive I would like to be part 50’s wife, part partner, part lover, part submissive it might be asking too much but…..
At the same time I know that although it turns me on and intrigues me the lifestyle of a Master and slave is not for me, maybe for a couple of day but not for life. I want to be equal in all areas apart from our sex life but I also want a dominant man, one who will stand up to me, will not let me win an argument just for the sake of peace, one who will take care of DIY and traditional male stuff. On the other hand I would like a job but preferably to keep me interested not to provide monetary income. This I know will be unlikely in this day and age but a compromise would be that he earnt more than me. A man that I would want to cook for, make him feel comfortable and relaxed but who would not object to cooking himself or opening doors for me.
I am 18, what can I say, I want the best of both worlds as I see it, it is a dream that is unlikey to become reality but I won’t stop wishing. I believe feminisim has gone too far and so many men are just so wimpy and women too aggressive I would like to be part 50’s wife, part partner, part lover, part submissive it might be asking too much but…..
Why, what and who?
It is all very well to say I am a sub, but what does that mean when I don’t actually know for sure. I am turned on by images and stories about women submitting to men, I am not turned on by women dominating men and I am not turned on by women dominating or submitting to other women. However I am turned on by male/male but not so much in the BDSM arena mostly more generally. If I take myself to be something because I am turned on by it does that really mean I either want to be a gay man or have a threesome or just that I can see the attraction as I myself am attracted to males yet can’t with women/women as I am not attracted to women? Then there are those fleeting thoughts that in some cases I might be, attracted to some women that is, and yet thinking about that now my brain is shouting no way!
I am a proud independant girl who likes to think she is intelligent and logical, so how can I make a major decision about sex and my sex life when I know absolutly nothing about it. I do not think I have ever even mastabated properly before I certainly haven’t done it the way all the stories and pictures show it as doing that is much too sensitive and not pleasurable so I stop, I do not think I have had an orgasm so again I ask myself how?
Well I definitely want to try certain things out, anal sex for a start, I would like to try a threesome – two men not another woman, I would like to be spanked with a bare hand and try with other things too, I would like to be tied up, and the first thing I would like to try is a blow job this is a huge thing for me. Yet, do I just want to try kinky sex is this really a desire to submit to a man or just a steak of wildness in this area?
Honest answer is I don’t know, can’t know until I try. I do know is that it will take a particular man for me to be able to submit to, he will have to be intelligent, logical, fair, not have a beard or a beer belly!, and be a man that ultimately I can respect. The beard thing especially – huge turn off for me!! lol
The ultimate question though is will I even like sex? Will I be able to have sex? With the ME normal activities make me tired, anything that is extra to that and makes normal people tired can sometimes knock me out for days and I can get foggy half way through it. It would be a huge let down if that happened. Then there is the fact that I do not know if I can go on the pill or not, something that is hard for any woman to decide but my body tends to react to things like a hypochondriac. Not to mention that some stuff I have to be careful with like being tied up as my body reacts like an old lady’s.
I would not be able to kneel for a long time or stand for that matter. With all this it makes it difficult for me to believe that there is a mentor out there fore me let alone someone who would want to dominate me that I would want to submit to.
I am a proud independant girl who likes to think she is intelligent and logical, so how can I make a major decision about sex and my sex life when I know absolutly nothing about it. I do not think I have ever even mastabated properly before I certainly haven’t done it the way all the stories and pictures show it as doing that is much too sensitive and not pleasurable so I stop, I do not think I have had an orgasm so again I ask myself how?
Well I definitely want to try certain things out, anal sex for a start, I would like to try a threesome – two men not another woman, I would like to be spanked with a bare hand and try with other things too, I would like to be tied up, and the first thing I would like to try is a blow job this is a huge thing for me. Yet, do I just want to try kinky sex is this really a desire to submit to a man or just a steak of wildness in this area?
Honest answer is I don’t know, can’t know until I try. I do know is that it will take a particular man for me to be able to submit to, he will have to be intelligent, logical, fair, not have a beard or a beer belly!, and be a man that ultimately I can respect. The beard thing especially – huge turn off for me!! lol
The ultimate question though is will I even like sex? Will I be able to have sex? With the ME normal activities make me tired, anything that is extra to that and makes normal people tired can sometimes knock me out for days and I can get foggy half way through it. It would be a huge let down if that happened. Then there is the fact that I do not know if I can go on the pill or not, something that is hard for any woman to decide but my body tends to react to things like a hypochondriac. Not to mention that some stuff I have to be careful with like being tied up as my body reacts like an old lady’s.
I would not be able to kneel for a long time or stand for that matter. With all this it makes it difficult for me to believe that there is a mentor out there fore me let alone someone who would want to dominate me that I would want to submit to.
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