Life seems determined to speed by and yet each moment seems endless. Last week a different time, so much changing inside and yet bored by the monotony of what I am capable of. Guilt at lack of inclination to do anything in the times of self realisation which (un?)fortunately are few and far between.
Am I living?
Friday 5 August 2011
Thursday 4 August 2011
Long time
I haven't posted for so long, in some ways I regret this and in other ways I don't. It was getting difficult to write, I knew people who read it and I started to care what they thought so started editing what I wanted to write - not really the point. I also lost the ability to write and think coherently for quite a long while and it is still a strain writing and I am very rarely on the computer anymore. I used to go on every day but now its more like every other week, not much has seemed important.
I have gone through some really difficult times and still am, some days it takes everything I have just get dressed, though recently it has been getting slightly easier. I am now seeing a therapist, my third session was on Tuesday. It has been surprising and I think it is helping, actually I know it is helping.
Before that though I got to my lowest point, I broke down and pleaded for help, I knew I needed it. I couldn't see a future and all I thought about was how to make it all stop and increasingly the answers became darker. My last post was in December - what a lifetime ago.
I was ill over Christmas, came down with a nasty flu bug and although it took me awhile to recover I did. However I then over did it, I tried to do too much and physically and emotionally I took a hit. I went to a club for the first time and there I met a guy! He was the first guy I have ever really clicked with, T was nice but A, wow, I just couldn't stop smiling after I met him. Or stop thinking about kissing him!
It seems all so silly now. I was so stupid, logically I knew I was as well but I also didn't think it would affect me so much. Emotionally the whole thing had a serious backlash. I underestimated the fact that I had never been through this before and the fact that my body reacts to strong emotions. Crying makes me sleep, anger makes me shake and then sleep and these are just minor flare ups not really strong first emotions accompanied by hormones!
It is sort of funny in a way I guess, the guy turned out to be a bastard but I did have my first kiss - wet and kinda awkward, which he then judged! (I was better than one of the guys he kissed in the club where we met, not much of a compliment as he had told me several days earlier that it was awful!) Half of it is that I now can't believe I was so idiotic but that life isn't it. But in order to see him I had also done to much, I had gone out five times in less than two weeks, tiring enough for anyone but the last straw for me and coupled with the emotional whammy the whole thing knocked me for six.
I haven't been right since, my brain went out of commission for quite awhile due partly to a diet I was put on to sort out my gut which managed to starve my brain - not fun and also painful. Then just endless days of struggling to get out of bed and do a bit each day, until the week of my birthday.
I turned 20, my younger sister started her A-levels, it was the birthday of my friend who died, and it was also the date of a picnic that I really wanted to go to in order to see friends. Well, I realised that I had now had ME for 11 years, I wasn't well enough to do anything for my birthday, I never managed to get an A-level, my reach for life starting with my friends death had lead here three years later and of course there was no way I was able to make that picnic. Of course it wasn't just this but everything one on top of the other just sort of dumped on top of me and I didn't have enough strength to stand against it.
Life looked endless, the future just another round of the same cycle always ending up ill at home having achieved nothing and I fell apart. I haven't picked myself up yet, I still can't do much more than read for a couple of hours or potter about for a bit without having to sleep for a bit. My sensitivity to light has increased. I can't stand to be around other people much. Having a conversation is sometimes just too hard. Noise is guaranteed to wind me up. I have no control over my emotions, I flare up in anger over the smallest thing and cry far too much. The thought of any treatment fills me with panic at the moment. Taking decisions and control is something that everyone was trying to make me do though I think they have finally got that at the moment my head space is just not conducive to that.
You see in order to make a decision about starting a new treatment and taking control of your life you have to believe that it is going to work and you have one. At the moment I don't. I do realise that's a problem and I hope that my therapy sessions will help. You see I know logically that I can get better, other people have and they have been much much worse but I can't see it anymore, I don't believe.
My mother thinks I have given up, who knows, she is probably right but I still, I just don't have it in me anymore to keep on pushing. I realise I am depressed, I am getting help. Unfortunately St. John's Wort which has helped in the past is no longer being sold due to some EU regulation and anything chemical reacts with my other pills and just isn't advisable.
So for now I live day to day, trying not to watch too much television, trying to play the piano a bit every day to try and get my brain working a bit and for the last two days I have also managed to potter down the drive, the first time in months that I have been able to do anything remotely like exercise.
And so I will continue until something changes, hoping that something will change, but between you and me - not really believing that it will.
I have gone through some really difficult times and still am, some days it takes everything I have just get dressed, though recently it has been getting slightly easier. I am now seeing a therapist, my third session was on Tuesday. It has been surprising and I think it is helping, actually I know it is helping.
Before that though I got to my lowest point, I broke down and pleaded for help, I knew I needed it. I couldn't see a future and all I thought about was how to make it all stop and increasingly the answers became darker. My last post was in December - what a lifetime ago.
I was ill over Christmas, came down with a nasty flu bug and although it took me awhile to recover I did. However I then over did it, I tried to do too much and physically and emotionally I took a hit. I went to a club for the first time and there I met a guy! He was the first guy I have ever really clicked with, T was nice but A, wow, I just couldn't stop smiling after I met him. Or stop thinking about kissing him!
It seems all so silly now. I was so stupid, logically I knew I was as well but I also didn't think it would affect me so much. Emotionally the whole thing had a serious backlash. I underestimated the fact that I had never been through this before and the fact that my body reacts to strong emotions. Crying makes me sleep, anger makes me shake and then sleep and these are just minor flare ups not really strong first emotions accompanied by hormones!
It is sort of funny in a way I guess, the guy turned out to be a bastard but I did have my first kiss - wet and kinda awkward, which he then judged! (I was better than one of the guys he kissed in the club where we met, not much of a compliment as he had told me several days earlier that it was awful!) Half of it is that I now can't believe I was so idiotic but that life isn't it. But in order to see him I had also done to much, I had gone out five times in less than two weeks, tiring enough for anyone but the last straw for me and coupled with the emotional whammy the whole thing knocked me for six.
I haven't been right since, my brain went out of commission for quite awhile due partly to a diet I was put on to sort out my gut which managed to starve my brain - not fun and also painful. Then just endless days of struggling to get out of bed and do a bit each day, until the week of my birthday.
I turned 20, my younger sister started her A-levels, it was the birthday of my friend who died, and it was also the date of a picnic that I really wanted to go to in order to see friends. Well, I realised that I had now had ME for 11 years, I wasn't well enough to do anything for my birthday, I never managed to get an A-level, my reach for life starting with my friends death had lead here three years later and of course there was no way I was able to make that picnic. Of course it wasn't just this but everything one on top of the other just sort of dumped on top of me and I didn't have enough strength to stand against it.
Life looked endless, the future just another round of the same cycle always ending up ill at home having achieved nothing and I fell apart. I haven't picked myself up yet, I still can't do much more than read for a couple of hours or potter about for a bit without having to sleep for a bit. My sensitivity to light has increased. I can't stand to be around other people much. Having a conversation is sometimes just too hard. Noise is guaranteed to wind me up. I have no control over my emotions, I flare up in anger over the smallest thing and cry far too much. The thought of any treatment fills me with panic at the moment. Taking decisions and control is something that everyone was trying to make me do though I think they have finally got that at the moment my head space is just not conducive to that.
You see in order to make a decision about starting a new treatment and taking control of your life you have to believe that it is going to work and you have one. At the moment I don't. I do realise that's a problem and I hope that my therapy sessions will help. You see I know logically that I can get better, other people have and they have been much much worse but I can't see it anymore, I don't believe.
My mother thinks I have given up, who knows, she is probably right but I still, I just don't have it in me anymore to keep on pushing. I realise I am depressed, I am getting help. Unfortunately St. John's Wort which has helped in the past is no longer being sold due to some EU regulation and anything chemical reacts with my other pills and just isn't advisable.
So for now I live day to day, trying not to watch too much television, trying to play the piano a bit every day to try and get my brain working a bit and for the last two days I have also managed to potter down the drive, the first time in months that I have been able to do anything remotely like exercise.
And so I will continue until something changes, hoping that something will change, but between you and me - not really believing that it will.
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