A tentative sort of hope

It's strange isn't it the things we think. The pattern of our thoughts ebbing and flowing. Sometimes one in particular gets stuck, or not stuck but one where when we stop it gets put on pause and so it gets bigger, continues along the line when we resume. Others you can think the same thing again and again, or it diminishes the more you think it. Getting to the point of being able to press the pause button on those particular thoughts is hard and changes each time, and the resume button seems to have triggers everywhere.

I saw my counsellor this week, I haven't seen her for a while as first it was the holidays and then I wasn't able to get there as I wasn't well enough. It has helped a lot though she wants to see me twice a week. That's scary at the moment, just the thought of having to tell my parents that my counsellor is worried about me enough that see thinks a week between sessions is too much is nerve wracking.

But it helps, she has managed to pull me up from the headlong dive I seemed to have launched into and while I am still vulnerable it would be good to have that support.
Having that rebalance in thinking has helped my health as well which of course helps mentally and round the circle goes. This time I hope to last and get well enough that this time I can move out, remove myself from the immediate control and vicinity of my mother in order to gain a more stable footing for myself and in myself.

I have a tentative sort of hope again and I am praying that this can last long enough to remove myself from what I know will trigger what happened again, staying in this situation is not healthy and increasingly is becoming more and more dangerous.