Scared

I'm scared. Scared bloody silly that this will go on and on and on. I'm scared. I want someone to hug me and say its going to be okay. I want someone to be there every step of the way for me. Someone I can cry with, laugh with.

I feel sick if I am out of bed too long, sitting in an armchair makes me feel so ill after a while that all I want to do is curl up into a ball and fall unconscious. The thought of doing that though is just to much effort. My heart keeps fluttering and racing, my chest feels as if a lead anvil is on top and each time I do anything, even brush my teeth I just feel myself draining away. And I am scared that this is going to be my life, I am scared that is downhill from here, that I am going to end up bed bound for years, that each time I have a dip it will take longer to recover and that each time I recover it will be to a lesser degree. I am petrified that as the years go on I will find myself still at this point, stuck here while everyone else goes on. I am petrified and have discovered I am coward. People are much worse than I am all over the world but here am I complaining. I just don't want to do it anymore. I would rather have something I could fight, something that could either be cured or couldn't be. I feel over dramatic and rather ridiculous in thinking that I would rather have cancer - something more tangible, something with limits, something with a bit more certainty.

I am scared and I just want it all to go away.