Light balloon

It is odd how a week goes, how you find yourself looking back. I have got my motivation back, I now want to do things. I still don't really have the energy to do them but at least I have that drive. Without it everything turns grey and stutlifies, there can be no moving on as its a struggle to put one foot in front of the other let alone think that once you have done that you have to do it again.

It is a relief to find something else to think about, to distract myself with so I don't obsess over my mother. If I can imagine myself as a light balloon that can ride the currents of the wind that is her moods then I can survive. Most importantly I can keep her happy. If I try to fight those winds I end up popping and she ends up angry.

Its this dependancy thing, I rely on her for everything when I am ill. It is also her overwhelming need for control, she hates it when I am ill because she can't control it and when I am feeling better she hates that because I try and retake at least some control of my life. It seems so petty sometimes when I think about it, but the whole curfuffle over regaining just little things, like who decideds when I wake up and who does it, sometimes takes days. I have to be very careful when she starts taking them over, but it is often when I am feeling so bad that I don't have the energy to do anything about it.

Luckily once I get to a certain point of being better I am able to phrase things better and keeping her happy gets easier. Anything that helps with that is a bonus.