Perrin Technique First Reactions

I had the most fantastic holiday but now I feel upset and uncomfortable. Last week was brilliant, I was able to do most of it and only got left behind a few times. There were long walks, swimming in the sea which was actually enjoyable and lots of time to read. It was different, we had two friends along which meant everything we did we tended to do together, I found this quite intense but I survived as I was able to have a room to myself and so could be alone while resting and sleeping. It was fun, so much fun, I changed colour a bit and read a lot of books!

However, on Tuesday I had my first appointment with a guy who is going to do the Perrin Technique with me. Mummy found him and wants me to see him and so I agreed. I was a bit wierded out as part of it involves breast massage but Mummy promised to come every session and so I agreed. It didn't start well, it was raining and I was meant to be driving on the way, for some reason my driving went to pot, not sure whether it was the rain or the fact that it was Mummy with me but everything went wrong and I ended up scaring myself and for the first time did not enjoy driving. The appointment was alright, I didn't really like him but what he did was alright, it was a bit odd taking of both shirt and bra but it was ok. It totally knocked me out the next day which was sort of funny, I thought the bed looked comfortable at about 11.30am and just wanted to lie down for a few minutes, next thing I knew I woke up and it was 4.00pm. That was a bit confusing but alright. Yesterday was good but not great energy wise but then I had a rest and we went out in the evening.

That was the most amount of fun I have had in a long time. Music and Fireworks at the nearby Defense Acadamy. Good food, good music and some really nice people, it was soaking by the end but we were having so much fun that it didn't matter. I had a ball and loved it so much.

This morning I woke tired but I had got to be late and had to be up by 8.00am so wasn't expecting to be on top form. Unfortunately, Mumy was tired as well and we had an argument on the way to my second appointment with Perrin guy. The appointment was horrible, it started off with a proper breast massage and I loathed it. I felt so tense and uncomfortable the whole time and just couldn't ignore it let alone try to relax. It went on for so long that I got annoyed and irratated at it and just wanted the whole thing to stop. Luckily I got cold so was able to put a rug on nearer to the end but I just hated being naked to the waist in front of this man.

Afterwards whatever he did made my head feel really funny and I just wanted to cry all the way home. I just didn't like it at all, and I don't want to do it again, but my next appointment is on Wednesday. It isn't like I can lie back and think of something nice as that might get the totally wrong reaction and I just hated what it felt like. It felt wrong to have his hands there, I didn't want them there and yet I had to just let him. I HATED it. I still want to cry just thinking about it.

I have a slight issue with personal space, for quite a few years if someone touched me it tended to hurt. This meant I got extremly wary about it. Although I do love human contact, a hug, a hand on my back, a ruffle of hair, etc. I only like it when I have said it is ok, when I welcome it and accept it. And the biggest part is that it is someone I know and semi trust. As I said in a previous post, I find it hard to trust and very few completely, in reality probably none, but I don't even like this guy. Let alone respect or trust him, and the whole thing feels wrong and I don't like it.

Reading over this I sound a bit like a child having a tantrum – I just don't like it – and yet all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry and for Mummy to hug me and say that I don't have to do it again. Instead she has booked me more sessions, one each week for a few months! She says she know it isn't great but that she believes it will work. All I can say to that is how many others have I seen after she told me that, ten years later I still have this bloody thing. He is invading my bubble, touching my body and I am deeply uncomfortable with it but still slightly wondering why I seem to be reacting like this and whether it is an overreaction. It isn't like he did it to me to molest me, or against my knowledge and permission – I had to sign something saying he could. But I signed more for Mummy than for me and if it was just me I wouldn't have gone near him. Maybe that is the difference. All I know is that next Wednesday he is going to do it again and I don't know if I can stand it.