Trust

Trust is something I have always found difficult. I don't actually trust anyone completely, and I trust very few in various parts of my life.

I trusted my History teacher, he was someone I could talk to, he was fair, he was a good teacher and he knew how to relax and yet get the most out of someone. He did not take his emotions out on us and he didn't have a chip on his shoulder about being at a private school. Very few teachers of mine were like this, they were either moody, or had a massive chip, were too unpredictable or just couldn't control the class.

I trusted a boy I met a few summers ago at a cooking school, I felt safe with him, I trusted him and I could relax around him. I also completely thought he was gay until he told me about his girlfriend!

I don't trust my family. I don't trust my mother as she is too unpredictable, something one day will produce one reaction while another it will get a completely different one. She will promise to keep something secret and yet the next week will tell a friend or one of my sisters. She lets emotions rule her and she favours one of my sisters so blatantly that others have commented on it. Mummy will be joking with me about something but will suddenly get so cross that she will throw something in the blink of an eye. When I was younger I couldn't read her at all, when she raised an arm I didn't know if she was going to throw something, or hug me, so I flinched. This Christmas she almost ripped this family apart with arguments with my older sister damaging her health in the proceed.

I can't trust Daddy as he will never stand up for me or my sisters against Mummy, he will secretly come after it is all over and tell us that she was wrong but that we have to apologise, he just won't get into an argument with her. He lets her treat him like filth, although this has saved them from getting a divorce, I can't trust him to do what is best for me or my sisters if it goes against what Mummy wants.

I can't trust my sisters as they think I am weird, they laugh at me and put me down and gang up with Mummy against these 'differences'. They are too judgemental, I wouldn't be able to trust them with the real me.

I love my family, and I know they do so much for me, they fight battles for me and help make my life easier but I can't trust them.

I would love a proper friend, one who I could talk to about everything, one who I could totally be myself without fear of them judging me or laughing behind my back. It would be great and the thing I long for the most. Living with my parents properly at the moment is getting more stressful and more strained. I don't think I can survive the narrow mindedness and small amount of people I actually see for another year. I want to go out and meet people, people I know I will get on with and yet my parents and sisters look at with suspicion. People who like music, art, don't follow the preppy crowd and are free to be individual and themselves. Someone who maybe I could find to trust.