Is there anything more painful striving for a parents recognition, for acknowledgement of your achievements, for love of a parent to also be the love of oneself?
To have her say I am proud. To have her say that she likes something about me. To have her initiate a hug. To have her buy a present based on something that I have said rather than a wish list requested. To have her focus on me rather than her fears. To have her be the hero rather than the bogie monster.
I want to hear her footsteps on the stairs and smile, not have my brain race and heart sink in fear - what does she want now?
I want to enjoy being with her, not for her to be the biggest stress factor in my life, the only barrior.
I want her to stop fighting what she thinks is the illness and support me.
I want her to stop pushing me.
I want her to stop driving me towards the cliff edge at knife point, each slash numbing me further.
I want to want to live, not to die because the plank ahead runs out and the only thing behind is her.
I want.......never gets - isn't that the saying?
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