Optimism

A new start has begun I hope.

On Saturday I came home having been in a hospital for three weeks. It was the most wonderful, peaceful place where I had constant care, help and counseling. I was able to go to church, talk to a chaplin, have some intense sessions with a counselor and got some really helpful advice from some physios.

Life is no longer looking bleak, I have a way to cope, an aim, a goal and remergence of the core of who I am.

That isn't saying that there aren't moments when it is a struggle but I feel much more in control and supported than I have been.

The hospital has shown me a way to live with ME and trying to improve my quality of life not just my health. It is also helping me develop tools in order to become an adult living with a disability rather than a child dependant on others.

This has been an eye opener and it is still taking time to get used to it. It has certainly shaken things up at home and is taking a little longer in that respect.

It was a bit claustraphobic and lonely to suddenly come home but I think I am overcoming that and taking steps to avoid sinking back into depression.

My life is a little more regimented and I have lots of proper rests, which has enabled me to be able to do a lot more. However I haven't suddenly become better overnight and the tasks I am doing are small and only for a short amount of time.

A big thing is that everyone has agreed I need to add some colour to my life and despite however tired it might make me feel I need to have a social life. I will be trying to go to the Saturday munch but although I am excited I am also nervous. I haven't been to one since Feburary, nor have I been about on Fetlife. Many people have moved on to other places and I feel I will be walking into mmostly a crowd of strangers.

When I went to my first munch there were only three other people - not scary at all, now it has grown and the amount there will be much larger and I am not sure how many people I will know. I am also dubious about my social ability - I haven't really talked with anyone for months and I haven't done anything interesting so I worry that I will be boring. Also I am nervous about how I will cope.

I won't be able to stay long, and I am not sure whether I will be in a wheelchair or not. My parents and I have been discussing getting one - walking and standing up are very tiring and so decrease the energy I want to use on other things. However a wheelchair has huge negative conatations and my parents are worried about that. For me, it is an enabling device, something that will let me do more things, get about more but I do realise that it is a scary thing as most look at it as a disabling device.

Life though is going on and right now I am happy about that and believe that once more I am living not just exsisting. All I have to do now is screw up my courage and rejoin the community that I left so abrubtly.