I love being able to say ow, as a result most people think I am an absolute wimp. I make such a fuss about a stubbed toe, a paper cut, a bang on my head or small cut. I enjoy it, I love being able to say ow, to go to mummy and say this hurts, to get a hug. I like getting the sympathy for the small things.
This is not because I am wimp though, these things don't really hurt, not like the pain I have been in. It is because of this that I say ow. When I do get pain, from the Fibromyalgia or ME, it is such a deep, all encompassing pain and you never know when it is going to stop. It is at these times that you can't say ow, I feel uncomfortable getting sympathy over. This pain, is something that nothing can be done about, for a large part of my life it was a fact of life. It is something you live with, that changes you, that you have to adapt to. It can go on, intermittently for years, so saying ow just doesn't cover it.
When you body feels as if it is made of lead that has been set on fire, you have thousands of needles, knives and hammers going at you, when your insides decide to knot themselves, when for the third week in the row you have not slept a night due to your back being in such pain, this surpasses ow. You say ow at short sharp hurts, the deeper more permanent hurt changes you, you might groan, pant, even yell for a small bit, but ultimately you can't say ow, it is too small a word.
When something hurts every single day for months you can't keep asking for continuous sympathy, hugs hurt and it is something you have to bear. All too often the sympathy turns to pity which is soul destroying.
So I rejoice in being able to say ow and even more to be well enough to be able to hug my parents again, for three years it hurt too much. They still helped, I can't count the number of nights they stayed up reading to me through the night to try and distract me when the pain got particularly bad. My parents have fought so many battles for me and at the moment we have won the right for me to complain at some slight hurt.
Saturday, 29 May 2010
Kneeling
Ok, OW! How do you do it so it is comfortable???? At the moment I can only last for a few minutes and even that is rather wobbly. I have never liked kneeling, I much prefer being cross-legged, I even prefer that to sitting in some chairs. It is a bit of a problem in a skirt but there are rarely things without a downside. I sit cross-legged anywhere I can, I like it when the bus is crowded as then I can sit cross-legged in the luggage rack, I am then the most comfortable person on the bus. I like sitting in small places and on the floor, especially when others are sitting above me but I have never been able to sit comfortably kneeling.
However I have rarely heard of a submissive sitting cross-legged at her dom's feet, only kneeling. When you hear of play parties or clubs, you hear of how some subs kneel at the feet of their Masters or Doms, or stand behind them, even when they are sitting. Well, I can't stand either! Well, I can, but not for very long, too long and I get a backache, old granny that I am, my hips also start to give way. So what am I going to do??!!!
I can practice kneeling but I very much doubt that I will get that much better at it, the standing thing will get better but I will never be able to for that long, my left leg is about an inch and a half shorter than my right and although this doesn't effect me normally, when I am tired it draws up even further and throws my whole body out trying to compensate. I have to be really carful with my left leg and hip, and try to exercise and stretch it every day otherwise it really hurts if I use it.
I guess there will be a way around it when the time comes but I gave myself a bit of a laugh in the mean time imagining mayself trying to kneel for my dom, and being so wobbly that I have to lunge for his leg. This was not so amusing, when I remembered my conformation, I had been mostly ill leading up to it and had none of the lessons, I literaly just turned up and was told to follow whatever the guy in front did. Horrifingly, he knelt down before the bishop, when I tried it took me two gos, smothered giggles from behind me and I nearly fell over trying to get back up again.
I am not gracful, in any sense of the word, I was renowned at school for being able to trip over thin air, and I do. When I am tired I can't walk through a closed or partially open door without walking into it, and I have numerously walked into lamposts, coloums, people, trees and posts. It is a good ice-breaker, but I do manage to get myself hurt more often than not, though it does mean I have learnt to laugh at myself and to laugh first.
i don't really know where this post is going, I would like to be more graceful, to be able to stand properly, to be able to kneel without wobbling and for it not to be painful. I would like to be able to elegantly walk down stairs, to sail through doors and not have lamposts leap out at me. But that is unlikely to happen completly, it does get better the more I do, but if I do have a dom, he is going to have to be one hell of an understanding one and willing to laugh with me, at me.
However I have rarely heard of a submissive sitting cross-legged at her dom's feet, only kneeling. When you hear of play parties or clubs, you hear of how some subs kneel at the feet of their Masters or Doms, or stand behind them, even when they are sitting. Well, I can't stand either! Well, I can, but not for very long, too long and I get a backache, old granny that I am, my hips also start to give way. So what am I going to do??!!!
I can practice kneeling but I very much doubt that I will get that much better at it, the standing thing will get better but I will never be able to for that long, my left leg is about an inch and a half shorter than my right and although this doesn't effect me normally, when I am tired it draws up even further and throws my whole body out trying to compensate. I have to be really carful with my left leg and hip, and try to exercise and stretch it every day otherwise it really hurts if I use it.
I guess there will be a way around it when the time comes but I gave myself a bit of a laugh in the mean time imagining mayself trying to kneel for my dom, and being so wobbly that I have to lunge for his leg. This was not so amusing, when I remembered my conformation, I had been mostly ill leading up to it and had none of the lessons, I literaly just turned up and was told to follow whatever the guy in front did. Horrifingly, he knelt down before the bishop, when I tried it took me two gos, smothered giggles from behind me and I nearly fell over trying to get back up again.
I am not gracful, in any sense of the word, I was renowned at school for being able to trip over thin air, and I do. When I am tired I can't walk through a closed or partially open door without walking into it, and I have numerously walked into lamposts, coloums, people, trees and posts. It is a good ice-breaker, but I do manage to get myself hurt more often than not, though it does mean I have learnt to laugh at myself and to laugh first.
i don't really know where this post is going, I would like to be more graceful, to be able to stand properly, to be able to kneel without wobbling and for it not to be painful. I would like to be able to elegantly walk down stairs, to sail through doors and not have lamposts leap out at me. But that is unlikely to happen completly, it does get better the more I do, but if I do have a dom, he is going to have to be one hell of an understanding one and willing to laugh with me, at me.
Monday, 24 May 2010
Moments
Sometimes, moments in life are just so good! Today was one of them, hot weather, a promising start on a tan and two lengths underwater achieved. A walk and 10 proper lengths of the pool increased my excercise yet again and I do not feel that tired. Compared to four days ago, when the day was spent in bed, life is amazing. I feel happy, confident and alive. I love feeling happy, it is one of the best feelings. Playing with my dog today, just rolling around and having fun, just relaxing, enjoying life. It is the simple pleasures that makes life so worth it!
God bless you all, for today he blessed me! (If your not religious then let life bless you!)
God bless you all, for today he blessed me! (If your not religious then let life bless you!)
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Photography
I have so many erotic photography ideas floating around in my head. I went to see a contemporary dance performance before christmas and the play of light over disturbingly positioned bodies just made me want to whip my camera out. I would love to have a play around with a model or two and just see if I could recreate some of these ideas. Yes, some of them I just want to recreate the pictures I have seen, but others I dream about, this is fustrating as other pieces of art work that I have dreamed about I have been able to create, they didn't envolve having to get someone else in.
Photography though is more difficult, the pictures I can't set up just sit there in my brain niggling at me. I have this one, which is of a pair of feet, they are walking over broken coloured glass - green like a beer bottle, one is mostly flat and the other is just being lifted up, from that sole is a piece of glass sticking out and a drop of blood rolling down towards the sole, down the delcate arch of the foot. On the other ankle you can see a bruised abrasion like it has been cuffed. This image has been in my brain for four years and my bank of images has only been growing. The image I described is rather disturbing and not erotic but goes with a poem I wrote about the same time.
The female body is just so beautiful, the lines and curves, the soft skin and yet sometimes hard angles of bones. The arch of a spine, the careless placement of a flung arm, the tension in the neck as arms are drawn together up the back, the dip of the head while kneeling, and the glint of sliver around a neck, wrist, ankle or waist. So many options, probably done before and yet I yearn to try. One day I will, maybe I will start with my feet, I will sort through my dreams tonight and see what I can come up with.
Photography though is more difficult, the pictures I can't set up just sit there in my brain niggling at me. I have this one, which is of a pair of feet, they are walking over broken coloured glass - green like a beer bottle, one is mostly flat and the other is just being lifted up, from that sole is a piece of glass sticking out and a drop of blood rolling down towards the sole, down the delcate arch of the foot. On the other ankle you can see a bruised abrasion like it has been cuffed. This image has been in my brain for four years and my bank of images has only been growing. The image I described is rather disturbing and not erotic but goes with a poem I wrote about the same time.
The female body is just so beautiful, the lines and curves, the soft skin and yet sometimes hard angles of bones. The arch of a spine, the careless placement of a flung arm, the tension in the neck as arms are drawn together up the back, the dip of the head while kneeling, and the glint of sliver around a neck, wrist, ankle or waist. So many options, probably done before and yet I yearn to try. One day I will, maybe I will start with my feet, I will sort through my dreams tonight and see what I can come up with.
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Knees, life and tanning
I have done something stupid, I am sitting here with knees that are screaming at me. Today was so nice that all I have done is sunbath and be in the pool. But when I was in the pool I started imagining and my mind wondered, I pretended I had found my dom and that he wanted me to kneel, so I practised kneeling and getting up gracefully in the pool. I can't do it out of the pool so thought the water would help, then as I was day dreaming I wondered about the shallowend on my knees. Result is that my knees are red raw and objecting loudly to the aloe vera jelly I have liberally applied. Is my body wet or what??! I shudder to thing what they would be like if I had done it on the ground/floor, at least it was lino and water. Maybe I should build it up to stop them being so pathetic!
This week has been so up and down, been in bed for a couple of days and the rest I have been feeling really quite well but with no inclination to do anything at all. Added to that is a diet change, this includes having to eat 7-8 servings of vegatables a day which results in a lot of chopping having to be done! Very boring but will hopefully help my adrenal glands which are apparently not very good. What I would like to know is the name of one of my body parts that does its job properly and feel well!
I am not complaining as I feel quite well at the moment and I am loving the weather and being able to swim again and just laze around in the pool. So relaxing, only thing though is Mummy is doing this new diet too and she has been taken off caffine and sugar, that makes for a person to stay well clear of! I shouldn't laugh or complain as I did the same when I was taken of sugar years ago but a grumpy mummy can reck more havoc than a grumpy pre-teen.
Feeling so relaxed about life at the moment, not in a hurry to make any descisions about where I am going, the only problem is that I am much better when at home, but in order to actually have a social life and maybe explore meeting other doms and subs, I need to live away from home. Trying to think of how I can have a balance but failing.
Trying very hard to get a tan without burning, but have already had a mishap as used some body lotion yesterday and completly didn't see it was a gradual fake tan one I had bought about a year ago. I now have rather funny elbows and patchwork wrists!
This week has been so up and down, been in bed for a couple of days and the rest I have been feeling really quite well but with no inclination to do anything at all. Added to that is a diet change, this includes having to eat 7-8 servings of vegatables a day which results in a lot of chopping having to be done! Very boring but will hopefully help my adrenal glands which are apparently not very good. What I would like to know is the name of one of my body parts that does its job properly and feel well!
I am not complaining as I feel quite well at the moment and I am loving the weather and being able to swim again and just laze around in the pool. So relaxing, only thing though is Mummy is doing this new diet too and she has been taken off caffine and sugar, that makes for a person to stay well clear of! I shouldn't laugh or complain as I did the same when I was taken of sugar years ago but a grumpy mummy can reck more havoc than a grumpy pre-teen.
Feeling so relaxed about life at the moment, not in a hurry to make any descisions about where I am going, the only problem is that I am much better when at home, but in order to actually have a social life and maybe explore meeting other doms and subs, I need to live away from home. Trying to think of how I can have a balance but failing.
Trying very hard to get a tan without burning, but have already had a mishap as used some body lotion yesterday and completly didn't see it was a gradual fake tan one I had bought about a year ago. I now have rather funny elbows and patchwork wrists!
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Illness, growing and birthdays!
This week has got worse and worse, my fibromyalgia has been playing up and even my toes hurt! No baths either as plumbing a bit dodgy. I have spent a lot of time reading though, I found some websites about general bdsm, 101 type things as well as reading more topics on fetlife.
Well it seems I am more open to things than I originaly thought, some things I have previously thought no way, I am thinking I would like to try once. I like to try things, sometimes I am a wimp but when confronted with something difficult I hate the feelings after if I haven't tried something more than if I fail at it.
I think this is a good thing, as once I start I need somewhere to go, to grow, if I have only a certain amount of things I am willing to do then it is rather like putting a box around myself. I would like to have concentric circles, green on the inside - things I like and are willing to do, yellow next - thing I am willing to try but am not sure about, orange next - things I am doubtful about but with the right person might be willing to try once, and then red - things I will not do.
Reading around this seems to be the right thing to do.
My birthday is coming up soon and I am hoping that I feel well enough that I can meet up with some friends. Very wierd to thing I am entering my last year as a teenager, next time I have a birthday I will be 20, that always seemed so old when I was younger, mind you so did 18!
Have had three offers so far for mentorship but have declined all of them, something niggled, or looking at their profiles and posts I just didn't think we clicked. Trying to be very sensible and think I have been so far. It has been especially great to find out there is a group about Fibromyalgia and kink, several in fact and one about ME. Talk about having everything! It has been reasurring to see how people manage to have an active lifestyle while still suffering with various illnesses.
I am feeling more positive about finding someone who I like and is comfortable taking on someone with quite a few difficulties. I am not looking but not feeling, who would want me anymore.
Well it seems I am more open to things than I originaly thought, some things I have previously thought no way, I am thinking I would like to try once. I like to try things, sometimes I am a wimp but when confronted with something difficult I hate the feelings after if I haven't tried something more than if I fail at it.
I think this is a good thing, as once I start I need somewhere to go, to grow, if I have only a certain amount of things I am willing to do then it is rather like putting a box around myself. I would like to have concentric circles, green on the inside - things I like and are willing to do, yellow next - thing I am willing to try but am not sure about, orange next - things I am doubtful about but with the right person might be willing to try once, and then red - things I will not do.
Reading around this seems to be the right thing to do.
My birthday is coming up soon and I am hoping that I feel well enough that I can meet up with some friends. Very wierd to thing I am entering my last year as a teenager, next time I have a birthday I will be 20, that always seemed so old when I was younger, mind you so did 18!
Have had three offers so far for mentorship but have declined all of them, something niggled, or looking at their profiles and posts I just didn't think we clicked. Trying to be very sensible and think I have been so far. It has been especially great to find out there is a group about Fibromyalgia and kink, several in fact and one about ME. Talk about having everything! It has been reasurring to see how people manage to have an active lifestyle while still suffering with various illnesses.
I am feeling more positive about finding someone who I like and is comfortable taking on someone with quite a few difficulties. I am not looking but not feeling, who would want me anymore.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
